The Satire!

ADVERTISING FEATURE

2011-12-09T20:36:00.003Z

The Brannen BJ69 Duberryferkin "It's The Bollocks"

Jools Holland says " I've always done alright with the birds.

But ever since buying one of these Brannen

Jobbies, girls as young as 16 have been

queueing up in droves to suck my cock"

We've all been there. You come home from a hard day screwing up the economy at the bank and all you want to do is listen to some Mantovani, or perhaps some Napalm Death, or maybe even Aga Do by Black Lace. Fuck knows! You get the picture. But wait! Since moving into that swanky new 3 bedroom bastard house you couldn't really afford but she'd been nagging on at you for for two years just to impress her parents and her idiot mates, you haven't been arsed to unpack your impressive CD collection. So off you traipse up to the "guest room". Bollocks! Which box were they in again? No. Not that one. That's all her exercise DVD's and the Thighblaster TM that's in as much danger as seeing action as as a train spotter's tadger. After an hour you finally find what your looking for. Shite! All her CD's are at the top. NOW That's what I call an absolute load of bilge volumes 1 through 100. Katie fuckin Melua, God who listens to her? Where the fuck are your CD's? Ahh finally after rummaging through a car boot sale of utter crap you get to what you want.

But what's this? Once back in the lounge you open up Nigel Kennedy's Vivaldi Four Seasons to find the kid's Bob the Builder CD. Do you know what, FUCK IT that'l do. You're not going back up those stairs. Then when you eventually get it in and press play it only skips and jumps like Graham Norton on his way to judge a Beautiful Bums contest.

Frankly, who needs the balls ache? Not fuckin you that's who. Put an end to the CD misery with the Brannen BJ69 Thingummy.

Features Include:

A big fuck off button on the front.
A display that tells you what's on and that.
A Dial that's the big button as well
Small enough to leave on the Bus, Train, Plane or in back of a taxi

These exclusive innovations allow you to:

Put all your music onto one machine. A bit like your computer
Choose and play an album or track without getting off your arse. A bit like a hi-fi
You get to see what's playing from across the room. A bit like using binoculars
One button plays all your tracks at random. Another turns it off. A bit like your computer again
Show off to the kind of tossers that live in your mock Tudor gulag

If that's not enough for you to give the credit card a caning listen to this...

Jools Holland chunters on, "I was sick to my boogey woogey piano playing tits of rummaging through my CD's constantly. Wasting valuable advertising time fart arsing about with cases and buttons. After only 67 hours of shoving discs in and out of that slot at the front. My entire collection is available at the touch of a dial. Well actually I got my Polish maid to do it. I was to busy being fellated by barely legals. Not only that but my boogey woogey piano playing has improved no end I can tell you."

Just look at these other celebrity endorsements you cynical twat.

"If I had have had one of them Brannen contraptions I wouldn't have been interfering with Her Maj's lady bits"

M. Fagan HMP Broadmoor

" Why oh why oh why don't I have a Brannen? I Think I'll go out and kill every fucker"

Anders Behring Breivik. Norway

" If my son had have had a Brannen he'd never have been eaten by a bear!"

That bloke wots son was eaten by a bear. UK

" Force all these striking civil servant twats to buy one of these gizmos and they'd soon go back to work"

Jeremy Clarkson. The Cotswolds

" I was going to Nuke Israel into the stone age but now I have my Brannen and don't need to rummage through my Yusef Islam collection, I've chilled the fuck out." Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Iran

Let the final word go to the man himself. The electronic genius that is Mathew Brannen

" If it wasn't for this thing I invented no one would know who the hell I was and I'd be still buggering about with Sir Clive Sinclair. If you don't buy one you're a dick. A dick who's destined to spend his days fannying about with CD's while your kids and the neighbours kids piss themselves a laughing at you. Come on yer miserable git. It's Christmas and it might even help the economy. So rope the missus or whoever into getting you one. Yes I know I won't tell you how much it is. If I did you'd say "Fucksakes! Sod that! And just put all your sounds on your hard drive."

Buy the Brannen BJ69 at a knockdown price from The Satire! No! We're not telling you the price either.

Ask The Doctor.

2011-12-01T13:10:00.001Z

Each week your favourite on line news source brings you top notch medical advice from a high profile celebrity Doctor. This week Dr. Christian Szell off of The Marathon Man answers all your dental related queries in his own inimitable and chilling fashion. So without anymore ado let's literally get on with it.

Q. Dear Herr Doktor,

My brother was recently run over in a car accident carrying the keys to a safe deposit box in Switzerland. In that box are over $100,000,000 in diamonds. I'm also having terrible problems with my wisdom teeth giving me gyp. To complicate matters even further I am a high profile Nazi war criminal hiding out in S. America. What I need to know from you is, is it safe? Werner Von Abwehr, Paraguay

A. Ja, Ja! Ist ein teaser. Vot I would do is tie someone to ein chair and go to work on zem vith a pair of pliers. The results however are disappointing, as zey often tell you what zey sink you want to know just to avoid the pain. Might I suggest ein cup of tea und ein friendly chat. Und if zat does not work. Knock zem out with ketamine in their tea. Und ven zey come round.Go to work on them with ein pair of pliers and ein Black und Decker drill.

Q. Dear Doctor,

I'm having a devil of a time trying to find a dentist In Edinburgh. Do you accept NHS patients. Mrs I. MacTights. Saughton

A. Nein! I'm strictly ein private practice.

Q. Dear Doctor Szell,

I'm thinking of quantitatively easing billions of pounds into the economy to try and prevent a double dip. Is it safe?

G. Osborne. Westminster

A. Nein! It never worked for der fatherland in the 1930's

Q. Dear Dr. Szell,

I wonder if in all the years you were in hiding if any of your mates thought it was hilarious to call you "Soft Szell" and sing Tainted Love whenever you were around? Marc Almond. (Address withheld)

A. Ha ha ha ha! Ja, ja sehr gut! Ja zat insufferable bastard Martin Bormann used to do that all the time. Der cunt didn't sink it voz zat funny when I knocked him out with ketamine in his tea, tied him to ein chair and went to work on him ven he came round with ein pair of pliers und ein hand drill with a windy handle on it. Ze squeaking alone drove him mad. As ein serendipity I subsequently discovered he was ein Soviet spy as well.

Q. Dr. Szell,

I couldn't help admiring that retractable dagger you keep up the sleeve of your jacket for slashing the throats of nosey and accusatory ex concentration camp inmates. What I want to know is, has it ever popped out unexpectedly and embarrassingly at an inappropriate moment? Anders Behring Breivik. Norway

A. Ja! Once on ein Lufthansa flight out of Frankfurt Main a buxom stewardess bent over me to help me find mein seat belt giving me ein fine eyeful of her wunderbar tits. I had absent mindedly left mein fly open und Mein Gott!! Aus popped ze old schlanger auf die hosen. Alle ist well zat ends well. She gave me ein terrific noshing due to mein celebrity status... Ah Wait! I see vot you mean. You mean ze dagger. Ha ha I do love ein gut double entendre.

Q. Dear Doctor,

I'm currently on the train from Surbiton to Waterloo doing the Daily Telegraph crossword and wonder if you could help me with 14 down. The clue is "Strong box with a combination lock for keeping valuables". Four letters ending in 'E'. Is it safe? Major E. Southby Taylyor . via e-mail

A. Ja! Idiot!

Q. Dr. Szell,

Has anyone ever told you you look a bit like my late uncle Charlie? Ms R. Young. Blantyre

A. Nein!

Q. Dear Doctor,

I'm a newly wed man and I'm finding it difficult to convince my young bride to perform fellatio upon me. I love her dearly and do not wish for this to come between us. I've tried covering it in chocolate but to no avail. Any advice? HRH Prince Wiliam.

A. Arschloch! I'm Herr Doktor Christian Szell. Not Dr. Fucking Ruth. Vot ze hell do I care? Knock ze bitch out with ketamine or rohypnol.Ven she comes round go to work on her with ein pair of pliers und ein Black und Decker drill till she complies.

Q. Dear Doctor,

I am a 44 year old man. I saw my GP recently and was shocked when he ordered me to bend over and stuck his index finger up my arse. Is this normal, but most importantly is it safe? T.Laird. Edinburgh

A. Zis is not mein area of expertise, not involving ein pair of pliers or ein drill. But I know enough to confidently assure you it is both safe und perfectly routine in a man your age.

Q. What? In the checkout queue in Waitrose? Barrroom Tchh!!! T.Laird. Edinburgh

A. Imbecile! Ze old ones are der best is zat not so?

Q. Liebe Herr Doktor,

I was recently force fed a load of precious stones at gunpoint by Dustin Hoffman. It's playing merry hell with my movements. I haven't been able to have a crap properly for weeks now. I've been eating All Bran and prunes for days. Nothing! What say you? Angela Merkel . Der Deutchen Bundestag

A. Schweinhund!!! Zat prick is always doing zat. Try an extra strong curry followed by some Jaaps. That got me going but zey really make your eyes water on the way out I can fucking tell you. Might I suggest the next time you see him you knock him out with ketamine, tie him to a chair till he comes round zen go to work on him with ein pair of pliers und ein Black und Decker drill.

That's all from the very busy psychopath. If you have any further questions for the good Doctor please put them in the comments section below and Dr. Szell will do his utmost to reply in between bouts of grisly torture.

Next Week..... Dr. Ian Paisley

Unemployment a Real Boon to Creativity Claims Unemployed Layabout

2011-11-30T23:58:00.000Z

(Unemployed layabout and satirical genius Tom Laird enjoying a Holiday in Africa at the taxpayer's expense. SCUM!!)

Being out of gainful employment is a real boost to creativity and should be encouraged says 44 year old slacker and self styled Editor in Chief of the on line satirical colossus that is The Satire!

In between bouts of chronic onanism Mr. Laird told himself. "This unemployment lark is fantastic. I don't know what the hell everyone is worried about. I can lay around in my festering wank machine all day if I like. Watching endless episodes of Frasier and Blackadder. Then of an evening I can stay out late on the pish not having to worry about dragging my sorry corpse out of my pit and going to my so called "work".

Asked about how he intended to pay his rent or buy food Mr. Laird just grunted and disappeared back under the duvet with a copy of Big and Busty. Constant masturbation not withstanding Tom has managed to knock more than one out. In the last few days he's turned out more articles than he has in the preceding year. Seemingly backing up his theory.

"Ok, Ok. They might not be very funny." He said, strumming away to Escort. "But I thoroughly recommend telling your boss to shove the lucrative job up his arse. Before you know it you'll be giving that bastard B.P Perry at IV a run for his money on the funny stakes. I ask you? Who needs a job in the current climate, what with Christmas coming up and that? Anyway I'm not unemployed. I'm having a hiatus. You know, doing a gap year. I'm going to go inter railing round Europe." He laughed and laughed maniacally .

Tom Laird is almost 45, still has his own teeth and is available for sexual favours at reasonable rates.

Gordon Lightfoot Finds Someone Creeping Round His Back Stairs

2011-11-30T21:50:00.003Z

( Gordon Lightfoot: "Surprisingly unfazed")

Canadian troubadour Gordon Lightfoot found someone creeping round his back stairs yesterday evening yet remains disappointingly and surprisingly unfazed by the incident.

At 18:00 Hrs Eastern Standard Time (around dusk) yesterday evening, Corporal Marty 'Moose' MacGonagal,of 'A' Division Ontario RCMP took the call.
"We received the call telling us that Mr. Lightfoot had reported a disturbance and a possible intruder on the stairs at the rear of his Condo. My partner Constable Larson and I just stared in horror at each other. My God, I thought. Gordon's been banging on for years aboot how someone should 'take care!' if he ever foond them creeping aroond his back stairs. Frankly we expected a bloodbath. Or at the very least we'd find someone beaten to death with an acoustic guitar eh. We flew along that 401 to Mississauga at top speed eh.

But when we arrived at the condo we just foond Mrs. Lightfoot looking a bit like a queen in a sailor's dream pointing oot a man wandering away doon the street. She was quite agitated and I couldn't help feeling she wasn't saying what she really meant. However when we stopped the man, sure enough he had indeed been at Gordon's residence, but had a reasonable enough explanation. When I told the guy who's stairs he'd been on he nearly shit himself. It was a close call. Mr. Lightfoot just sat on his balcony the whole time looking surprisingly unfazed and singing 'If you could read my mind'. Which I suppose could be a bit sinister but all in all it was somewhat of an anti climax."

Gordon Lightfoot is 73 and pisses all over Alanis Morissette's whiny shite.

Vladimir Putin Finally Cuts to the Chase and Gets His Cock out

2011-11-27T17:36:00.003Z

(Photo of "Putin's Penis" released by his PR man. Above: Putin indulging in various vicarious Cock Out pursuits)

Vladimir Putin, Russia's Prime Minister and savior has finally stopped arsing around with a load of macho posturing and got his cock out, once and for all proving beyond doubt what a big man he is.
That is according to a photo released by his PR Agency yesterday. The move comes amid calls from millions of bored Russians, sick to their tits of his macho antics, to just get it out and be done with it.

"I'm sick to my strategic tits of his macho antics." Groaned former world chess champion an political hopeful Gary Kasparov. "What bloody difference does it make to how well he can run the country? All that chest beating eh? What I want to know is why he won't play me at chess. Come on then. Let's have you Vlad. If you think you are hard enough. Let's see your moves. Ok, what about Draughts? Connect Four? Fuck it let's see who can pee the highest up the wall". He then made chicken noises and walked away doing a Norman Collier impression.
Mr. Putin is not the first Russian leader to demonstrate a direct link between cock and power. Ivan IV "The Terrible" would dispatch his dreaded Oprichniki to ride the length and breadth of the land waving a black banner bearing a "likeness" of Ivan's massive member at the peasants and nobles alike.
Potemkin would oft times sweep imperiously through the court of Catherine the Great, his cock trailing majestically and nonchalantly along the floor behind him. Sometimes with an enraptured Catherine still clinging to it. Much to the chagrin and consternation of her assembled nobility and clergy.
Stalin the "Georgian Ogre" was famed for his monster dong,due in no small measure to his own propaganda. On his death his penis was cut off and mummified for posterity and measured 11 inches long. New evidence suggests that his real phallus was taken to a secret location in a wood outside Ekaterinburg and cremated in a sardine tin of vodka, then replaced by Rasputin's.

Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment as he was wrestling a crocodile, naked, in a wolf pen watched by a group of Siberian schoolgirls.

Demis Roussos to Rescue Greek Economy

2011-11-27T15:54:00.006Z

( Demis and his smouldering swarthy looks that won him millions of gay admirers)

(Below left: An Artist's impression of Vangelis)

Greece has been thrown into a state of tumultuous euphoria by the news that famous hirsute Hellenic he-man Demis Roussos, is to release a new album to turn Greece's economic misfortunes around.

The hard hitting, and uncompromising plan was announced today by EU appointed technocrat Georgiou Georgionapoulapoplaloulapolis earlier this morning.

"I understand that this may seem like to little to late to those of you who do not understand the massive sex appeal, and over production of the Roussos album. To many he's the hairy bloke with a high voice in a dress who sang "Forever and Ever". But to those of us who know love and fancy him he's the Euterpean genius who sang " Rikki-tikki-tikki tikki Tikki rikki rikki my love" in unashamed falsetto. They don't make em like that anymore." He sniffed, wiping away tears of wistful regret.

News of the "Demis God's" comeback was received with mixed emotions in some quarters.

"Mixed emotions my hairy arse!!!" Said Music critic for Greece's popular 'Hirsute Hellenic Sounds" music magazine Nikos Nakhapoupolopolipolis. "Demis has had his day. He's not even that hairy anymore. Last time I saw him he was balding and my 13 year old daughter has better facial hair. You might as well put some young smooth shaver like Justin Bieber out there. At least we'd all want to bum him. No! What you want is Vangelis. Yes! He was the real talent in Aphrodite's Child. So long as he doesn't have Jon Anderson squeaking along like a demented shrew in the back ground. Can you imagine a re-release of Chariots of Fire on the Bouzouki? And, what a beard! What-a- beard!! Sennnnnsational!!!" He then placed a napkin over his crotch.

Some rioters in the streets of Athens were inclined to agree. "It took us years just to get over the shame of Glenn Medeiros just because he had a greek sounding name. Now this shit!" Chanted Costas Costapopoplatonapolis brandishing his beard at our reporter.

Demis Roussos, real name Demis Delirious Delieiroussososososoplolitopolosis was once a guest on The Basil Brush Show and famously blagged his way off of the hijacked TWA Flight 847 by singing Velvet Mornings. He was unavailable for comment as he was busy overproducing his album with a 90 piece orchestra.

Soft Cock Syndrome Now an "Epidemic" In Edinburgh Says Boffin

2011-11-27T01:34:00.007Z

(She's not shagging any of them. .... Tragic! Isn't It.)

(Madeley)

(Softcock)

Softcock Syndrome has reached epidemic proportions in Edinburgh and may soon infect the entire Western world claimed a top eggheady boffiny type bloke from his laboratory/office in Herriot Watt University today.
Professor Tom Laird (no relation whatsoever to The Satire Editor Tom Laird) Has spent the better half of the last five years developing his, some would say, controversial theory. " Softcock Syndrome is now an epidemic in Edinburgh, and may soon infect the rest of the western world. I have spent five years developing this theory." He said jabbing his pipe emphatically, in the direction of our science correspondent . He then continued to expand on his theory at length.
"Allow me to expand on my theory at length. Many years ago when women were first allowed to vote. Feminists* began to look for ways of turning the tables on men, whom they saw as a constant enemy that kept trying to shag them, get them to do the dishes and generally clean up after them and that. This just would not do. They formulated a plan in which they would be able to tame men, and so be left alone to watch soap opera's, buy shoes and gossip all day.
They would do this by convincing men that their normal sexual urges were evil and rapey and a bit annoying, and that overall, men should behave more in a sort of , well, "womany" kind of way.
The idea was that through the media they would humiliate, ridicule and condemn masculinity. While, at the same time, they would promote, elevate and Deify femininity. For many years their efforts were unsuccessful. Women who felt the need to associate with men without fear of being pestered for sex all the time had to hang out with gay men. This obviously had a limited appeal. After all, where's the empowerment, or fun, in hanging around with blokes who talk more bitchy bollocks than you do,and don't fancy you so you can't feel good about yourself?

This is when Feminists pulled of their master stroke. In 1990 they invented the "Metrosexual" male. He dressed well, knew about shoes, curtains, and stuff. He was also able to roar and cry and get in touch with his so called "feminine side". But! Crucially. This is important. He still fancied the pants of you while putting up with your shite. Not to mention rejection after rejection while you got to feel empowered and desired while fucking other guys as the bi-annual notion took you.
The metrosexual, as embodied in that bloke who's married to Judy Finnegan off of the telly, is somewhat out of fashion today but his legacy remains in the NTPMFW. The Non Threatening Platonic Male FuckWit. Or to put it colloquially "The Softcock".

There is no known cure once a man succumbs to the condition and unfortunately it is growing exponentially. The only places that are Softcock free are the former eastern bloc and the third world. Where trouser wearing men can still be found in their wild and natural state."
Professor Laird has since had his funding suspended and is living in hiding.

*See The Satire article "Idiot Calls for Resignation of Oaf"

Idiot Calls For Resignation Of Oaf

2011-05-19T23:01:00.001+01:00

Kent threatens to "come over there and knock your c**t in Millaband!"

Janet Ringpiece (a feminist)

Justice Minister Clarke Kent was both called upon to resign and called "a dick" in Parliament yesterday.

The call was made by Wallace from Wallace & Grommet-a-like and opportunist mangina, Glenn Millaband after Mr. Kent seemed to make out that some crimes were a great deal more serious than others.
His calls were echoed by thousands of hairy arsed harridans. One of whom, Janet Ringpiece (49) ,raged at The Satire " Theft is theft. To suggest that the man who sneaks over my garden wall and helps himself to a pair of my generously proportioned and deliberately unattractive knickers off my washing line, is any less a criminal than the man who breaks into my bedroom, bludgeons me in the face with a claw hammer, then makes off with all my life's savings, is absurd. They should all be castrated. Especially that fat twat Kent."

Mr Kent stood by his principles and was unmoved until it looked like he might lose his rather lucrative position. "Look here." He said, not pointing anywhere in particular, "I'm not going to apologise to anybody over this but I am extremely sorry to anyone to whom I caused offence and who's popularity in the polls might drop as a result of these remarks that I don't apologise for. I'm certainly not going to resign over it I can guaranfuckintee you that." He growled. He then received a mobile phone call from David Cameron and looked a bit worried.

Edinburgh Tram Project Scaled Down: Completion Date 2025

2011-01-18T23:21:00.001Z

The New scaled down version of the controversial Tram Project. "Marvelous"

Edinburgh City Council announced among great fanfare today that the hitherto ill fated Tram Project was well and truly "Back on Track". ( Pun totally intended")
Edinburgh City Council Transport Convener Davy Donaldson made the announcement from his holiday home somewhere in the Caribbean (attempts to find the exact whereabouts have proved difficult).

" This should wipe that smug grin off the face of those naysayers who naysayed things and that about us being able to finish this and stuff. It may well be scaled down to a miniature railway and run round and round the castle instead of to The Royal Infirmary and the airport and useful places. But the kids will love it and coming in at only several Gazillion Pounds above budget, I think we can all agree it's a marvelous achievement that should make our children and grandchildren proud. Especially when they are to young to understand the issues involved. There will even be a funny wee man in a Casey Jones type outfit handing out the tickets and pointing out places of interest like ...er...The Castle and ..er ..yon kind of thing." He then shouted "Look there's Sean Connery!!" Then ran away when we turned round.

One of the naysayers was one Mrs. Margaret MacTights of Saughton. "This is a fuckin giant bucket of monkey shite." Spat the bespectacled octogenarian . God forgive me and excuse my language but If that cunt Donaldson was here instead of In Antigua spunkin away ma cooncil tax money on paragliding and and snortin' lines of chang off of black hookers's tits. I'd ram this zimmer that far up his colon, he'll think rippin up the tram lines in Princes Street is a cheap and relatively simple operation. Do any of yous know how to download porn onto this computer thing?"

A planned protest against the project was cancelled earlier this week when absolutely no fucker could get near the town for abandoned tram works.

Mags MacTights is 89, recently widowed and "chokin for darkies".

Man Mortified at "Knocking One Out" to Mary Portas

2011-01-16T23:03:00.002Z

Mary: Queen of Cock

An Edinburgh man was black affronted yesterday to discover himself having a good old tug to Mary 'Queen of Shops 'Portas.

"I'm somewhat confused and slightly disgusted over the whole incident". Claimed the ruggedly handsome and libidinous Editor of the world famous The Satire! from his festering pit earlier this evening. "I mean I always considered her a bit of a munter and borderline boiler. Imagine my surprise when she popped up inexplicably in my mid day wank fantasy.

I woke up about 11:50 am after a hard night on the lash. I'd been having a horny dream involving The Pussycat Dolls and a bottle of baby oil. I found myself starting out with my usual gentle lazy strum, building up to a decent rhythm with Demi Moore doing striptease for me. Then out the blue, just as I'm reaching the vinegar strokes to Britney Spears, Mary fuckin Portas pops into mind. Bending over the bonnet of her Audi A4 cabriolet with her mini skirt hitched up, giving me that come hither look they always give you just before you get arrested, and berating me for not presenting my member in a clean, professional and business like manner. Well I just couldn't stop myself. Before you could say 'unique selling point' I was pummeling her up the wrong un as she protested 'call that a good hard shag? I've had better on a wet Wednesday round the back of Top Shop.'

Well I must say, the worst part is that I've never had such a volcanic orgasm. The penguin walk to the toilet has never been so tricky. I have had a few dodgy ones in the past, you know the odd cartoon character (Betty Rubble, Jessica Rabbit etc.), I even had a quick one to Tracy Emin and just recently Kirsty Allsop. But this really is a new low.

I just hope that the whole episode doesn't end up posted on some online satirical blog. I'd be ruined.

Tom Laird is 43 and unsurprisingly single.

NHS Scotland Appoint New Chief Executive

2011-01-10T22:23:00.003Z

(Sir Lancelot MacSpratt MBE, OBE, DSO and Bar.)

First Minister Alex Salmond has approved the appointment of a new Chief Executive for the health service in Scotland.

Sir Lancelot MacSpratt has replaced the previous post holder, Dr.Kevin Woods who MacSpratt has tactfully described as "a complete arse!!!". Minister for Health Nicola Sturgeon has also given her approval.
The Former Consultant and Surgeon will begin work immediately. His many duties will include being sarcastic and condescending whilst charging around bullying, and bellowing at underlings and the lower orders in general.

Sir Lancelot has a long and distinguished history in this field having starred in many Doctor at Large type movies where he was the terror of Dirk Bogarde, Leslie Phillips and a string of pretty actresses respectively.

" YOU BLITHERING IMBECILE!!" He roared down the phone at our Health Correspondent earlier today. He continued gruffly " Have you the foggiest notion what blessed time it is? Now listen here my good man, I happen to work for a living and have better things to do with my time than stand around chit chatting on the dashed telethingy with the likes of you. Do I make myself crystal clear?"
He then slammed the receiver down on the fingers of a junior Doctor and marched off purposefully to some rousing background music.

James Robertson Justice is Deceased.

Kay's Bar In Reasonably Priced Booze Shock!!!

2010-08-11T17:10:00.014+01:00

(Above: JF fellates the pump in a vain attempt to solicit a tip from a gay millionaire )

The Revelation that a popular New Town Bar is to start selling affordable booze has caused outrage among at least six people.
"This is an outrage" Bellowed multi millionaire insider trader and former guest of Her Majesty,Major(Rtd)Rupert Morningside-Bently. "Before you know it the place will be full of rum types. Drinking lager, wearing overalls and farting while they sing poor quality soccer chants. Instead of decent well bred types in chords and brogues, farting along in unison to raucous and stout hearted rugger songs. I don't come here to sip a pink gin and trawl the personal columns of The Telegraph, so that my Spaniels can rub shoulders with the great unwashed. It's political 'what have you' gone mad. "DAAaaamnation!!" He roared, brandishing a rolled up copy of Horse&Hounds magazine and tripping over a black Labrador.

The Satire put the Majors point of view to a gentleman behind the bar who appeared to have just completed a triathlon wearing a shirt, tie and apron. Identifying himself only as "Jeff" and speaking for some bizarre reason in a comedy Allo Allo accent he told us .."Mon Dieu! Zut Alors! Fucksakes even! Eef zey don't like eet zey can fuck off. In fact what's eet to you? You can fuck off as well and take zees fucking Poodle with you. I have been tripping over the bastard all day."

Scottish Justice Minister, Commie killjoy and puritanical arsehole Kenny MacAskill was similarly upset. Speaking from his mansion and glugging Chateau Lafite 1787 he slurred. "We just can't have thish kind of behaviour. Before you know it we'd be letting dangerous terrorists out the jail."

Some found themselves disagreeing with the Major. German dissident, Big Yin/ Sammy Hagar Impersonator and regular drinker, Graf Olaf Von Furniss for example. Standing on the head of a Pekingese he ventured. "I disagree with that cunt yeah. I think it's a top Idea. Not only can I wash down an unfeasible amount of nuts with an affordable pint, but Glenrothes Whiskey is blindingly cheap to. Can I just add that Scotmid are total arseholes". Asked about what his Grandfather did during the war he coughed and claimed he'd been "on urlaub in Ibiza" at the time. Then made a sharp exit.

The news is a welcome breath of fresh air for this online Editor. I normally would have to save up my giros for weeks to have a drink in Kay's. Now I can mix with the upper crust boldly. After all if it wasn't for cunts like them. Cunts like me wouldn't have any houses to burgle. So here's to them."

Last word on the matter goes to the hitherto bellicose Major. "Well it's a sign of the times." He sighed philosophically. "I suppose you need somewhere to keep the riffraff out of The Canny Man's."

Graf Olaf Von Furniss is 103 apparently. (Hilarious.....isn't it.)

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2010-07-28T17:45:00.012+01:00

Milfs&Booze Anti Romance bring you.........

Gentlemen. Sick and tired to your swollen bollocks of the old ball and chain sticking her neb in to every aspect of your life. Are you a non threatening platonic fuckwit hanging round the object of your desire like a sex starved albatross, pandering to her every ridiculous whim in the vain hope she might one day let you fiddle with her lady bits? Then you need to ...Tell Her to Fuck Right Off!! In no uncertain terms.

But Wait!! We hear you whimper. "I'm an Invertebrate softcock. A spineless goon of a manhole who long ago lost any ability to stand up for myself. I couldn't possibly do that. Besides...isn't it illegal?

NO! It bloody well isn't. Not yet anyway. Chapter by chapter and page by page with stunning illustrations, let Dr. Laird (University Of Nigeria) guide you through the liberating process of regaining your manhood, your dignity and your bank account.

LEARN. The forgotten art of Telling Her to Fuck Right Off!! In 16 Languages including : English, German,French, Japanese, Mandarin, Fujian, Gaelic, Serbo-Croat, Mongolian, Sindebele, Kiswahili and San Bushman.

GRASP. The skills and sheer chutzpah needed to Tell Her to Fuck Right Off!! In those delicate situations such as:

Tell Her to Fuck Right Off! At the Altar in front of her assembled family and idiot friends.

Tell Her to Fuck Right Off! When she needs 10 Grand for Tit surgery.

Tell Her to Fuck Right Off! When she has the cancer and looks like Anne Widdecombe's Gran.

Tell Her to Fuck Right Off! When she's six months up the duff.

Yes! It's all here. For the paltry sum of £25.00 plus £2.99 for no other reason other than we just thought it up. YOU CAN HAVE YOUR LIFE BACK. Lovingly bound in the cheapest compressed cardboard and beautifully adorned in a photo pilfered off the internet, THTFRO will brighten up your bookshelf or porn pile and be the talk of your local neighborhood watch harridans .

---------------------------------------------------

Print off and tear.

Dear The Satire,

Please rescue me from my life of utter shite and drudgery by rushing me a copy of the excellent Tell Her to...In a plain package preferably to a single mate's house as the missus/ girlfriend will fuckin kill me if she finds out.

I enclose £27.99 in postal orders as again she can't find out about it.

FALSE NAME..............................

MATE'S ADDRESS...............................

POST CODE.............................

MOBILE NUMBER...........................

Thanks Lads.

2010 Already Pretty Shite

2010-01-03T20:22:00.010Z

(Below: Our artists impression

of the yawning black chasm that is 2010.. Tate Modern)

(Right: The steaming pile of shite that was 2009)

Only three days in and the New year is shaping up to be every bit as wanky as the old one, according to an Edinburgh man.

Tom Laird(42.75), the Editor of a mildly amusing, staggeringly unpopular online satirical magazine and well known miserable cunt, made his assessment at 13:00 hrs today. "I got up early feeling completely knackered and looked out of my bedroom window to discover that the weather was utterly rancid. I then discovered I didn't have any milk and had to walk round to the robbing bastard corner shop to get some. Then I returned home to find that I had left the Corn Flakes packet open to the air causing them to go soggy. I also made the mistake of checking my mail box and learning I owed practically every fucker in the world money. It was at that moment, precisely 55 minutes after getting out of bed, I decided that despite every one's cheery predictions, 2010 was definitely going to be a big fucking barrel of monkey spunk. It can fuck off."

All over Edinburgh, and indeed the rest of the planet, it simultaneously dawned on millions of people that Mr. Laird was spot on. In the West Bank and Gaza thousands of Arabs awoke to discover their country was still being run by a bunch of half arsed morons who couldn't produce a viable budget or get the bins emptied.

In the USA the population realised that their country was still dissolving into bankruptcy.

In France millions wept at the realisation they were French.

And in the Ukraine the entire population stuck their heads in the oven trying to gas themselves, discovering to their chagrin that the Russians had cut them off again.

"It's just not on." Complained the infuriatingly handsome but insufferable Laird. "On top of all this pish I have to go to work tomorrow."

Millions of cheery bastards were unavailable for comment as they were busy embezzling.

New Social Network "Shitter" Launched

2009-12-02T16:07:00.010Z

(Above: The Ideal Shitter set up as favoured by Stephen Fry)

Geeks, pedants and trainspotters worldwide are cock-a-hoop today as a brand new pointless social networking site is launched.

Sitting Happily In The Toilet Existentially Remonstrating or Shitter to it's fans, went online at 06:00 GMT accompanied by a mass band of Tubas playing ELP's Fanfare for the Common Man. In honour of the auspicious occasion. The singer and song writer Kate Melua released a special Edition of her hit single,This is the Closest Thing to Crazy, on which she farts out the tune by placing one hand in her armpit, flapping her opposite elbow frantically. No mean feat to achieve, let alone describe without footage.

First to sign up was well known polymath,wit and huffy twat Stephen Fry. " Oh I know all the Jeremiah's and Luddites out there will be throwing up there hands in despair saying 'oh whats the bloody point', but I for one can tell them it's tremendous fun and highly informative. Certainly not as nasty and vindictive as Twitter."

Stephen as a wit and Shitter, or Shitwit as they are known. Hopes to Shite at least twenty times a day. A typical example could look like this:

07:45 GMT . Morning Shitters. Just logging on and out...haha...regular as clockwork me...NNnnngggg..Ahhhhh...bit solid this morning...to much....Nnggggggg roughage I fear..I notice Gordon Brown...NNNnnnnnnn...CCCHhhrist!!! ...Oh bother there's somebody at the door.

08:01 GMT . Back again...Bloody postman..here we go...maybe this time...Aaaaaarrrgghhh NNNNNggg...Jesus the unholy stench.....I really must purchase some laxative...at my age it's ... UUUUUUUUUgghhhhh..God help me.... feels like a bowling ball....I see Westminster Abbey has a new....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHh.....At last...sweet relief....Fuck..forgot to buy bog roll...have to do the penguin walk to the kitchen now. Back soon.

Following Stephen's endorsement other celebrities are queuing up to keep the world appraised of their bowel movements, interspersed with plops of rapier sharp social comment.

I know this reporter has signed up to Lily Allen's. Hopefully there's a webcam.

Meerkat Does Something.

2009-12-01T18:21:00.007Z

(Left: Our artist's impression of the alleged occurrence)

(Right: Meerkat in more familiar looking around nervously mode)

A Glasgow man "couldnae fuckin believe it" , when he went away from his television set for a minute to have a pish and something allegedly happened.

Frankie Douglas(31) an electrician from Partick had been half way through his umpteenth boring episode of The BBC's Meerkat Diaries when he decided it was fairly safe to go for slash.

" I was half way through my umpteenth boring episode when I thought 'Fuck this bollocks I'm gonnae have a pish'. I just lobbed oot ma boaby an started to pee when my girlfriend Mags started shouting an bawling an doin her nut. 'Hurry up! Wan ae yon rats is daen somethin.' Of course I thought she was kidding me on. But she swears blind that wan ae thae we bastards done somethin unusual the minute ma back was turned. Fuckin typical. Hour after bastard hour of watching the we cunts daein nine tenths of shag all, an the split second a look away somethin supposedly happened. Thank fuck I don't pay ma licence fee."

Sir Richard Attenborough(103) speaking exclusively to The Satire said, " I know fuck all about Meerkats, sorry luvvy, I think you should Speak to my brother."

Sir David Attenborough(101) speaking exclusively to The Satire said, " Holy Jesus! Meerkats! Don't talk to me about Meerkats. I've got the bastards coming out my arse. If you think watching them is a cunt. Try filming the twats. I'd wipe them out. Thank fuck I don't pay my licence fee."

The Satire is offering a free years subscription to anyone with any evidence of Meerkats doing anything other than running about furtively , eating an insect, or looking around the place.

Modern Police Force - Raymond Mearns Des Clarke

2009-10-12T01:13:00.002+01:00

Obama Wins X Factor Bombshell!

2009-10-10T00:06:00.007+01:00

Every cunt and his dog, including The US President, and Bo were completely bamboozled to discover that the leader of the free world was this years X Factor Winner.

"I'm completely Obamaboozled by this", said the White House's 44th incumbent before an equally flummoxed press corps. "For the life of me I can't even remember taking part. Nevertheless I accept the award on behalf of myself and the American people and pledge to continue winning prizes for competitions that I have not entered. God Bless Amnesia."

Asked how the fuck this could have happened by the rest of the X Factor's over confident egotistical twats, creator and host Simon Cowell explained." We realise that Mr. Obama can't sing, dance or stick a weird object up his cock, and fully appreciate the actuality he didn't get to the final or even enter or take part in any way. But the fact remains he is just the kind of guy who would win it if he had any talent or was in any way inclined towards doing any of those things. He has all the right ingredients. He is dynamic, black, confident, black, a Democrat, black and of course to top it all off he's black. Anyway have you seen his stand up comedy? It's better than Lenny Henry any day."

A spokesman for the republican party Rep. Dwight D.Donaldson III, hit out. " This is horse shit. He never even auditioned for the damn show for criminy's sakes. How could he possibly have the balls to stand up there and take the credit. Next thing you know they'll award him the Nobel Peace prize for sending 40'000 extra troops to Afghanistan."

Mr. Obama was unavailable for further comment as he was accepting the Nobel prize for Chutzpah.

Edinburgh Man Opens Chain of Cheap Turban Shops In Punjab

2009-05-19T14:16:00.010+01:00

(Above Left: How some American fuckwits might look. Right: The Ubiquitous Hardeep Singh Kohli Lectures on the evils of cheap turbans)

From Our Fashion Correspondent: Chandar Moghuls

A Leith Man and his entire family have enraged locals in India by opening a chain of cheap and nasty turban shops all over the fucking place.

Sir Tom MacFermer(51) who made his fortune selling Magic Trees and furry dice at extortionate prices decided to make the move after spotting a golden opportunity in the former Jewel in the Crown of the British Empire.

" I flew over there in my private Boeing 747 for a conference of 2,000 other Billionaires on Climate Change. While I stayed at the Hilton Hotel I couldn't help noticing that a lot , if not most of the local men outside were wearing funny rags on there head. A bit like what you see in Pollockshields, and Birmingham and that. Someone told me they were called Turbans. I couldn't believe that these guys had all just come out of the shower at the same instant. Then I was told that they wear them all the time, just like that annoying cunt who's never off the telly.I had to laugh. Then I realised a golden business opportunity to make a few bob selling them."

Sir Tom opened his first Shop in the center of the Punjab capital Chandigarh In February 2006. Six months later he opened another one two doors down, within the next year he had six just round the corner and by the end of 2008 had 157 within a quarter mile radius of each other. The shops are characterised by their poor quality products, the intensely loud cheesy bhangra music that blasts out from huge crackly speakers at the front and their stereotypically dressed staff. Prompting complaints from concerned locals and traditional retailers alike.

" One of the things that really gets my goats is a particularly idiotic piece of Punjabi Kitsch known as the 'See you Rani turban.' Moaned Ram Patel. The 91 year old owner of a traditional outfitters based in Chandigarh for 300 years. " The bloody thing even has a false chin strap like beard attached to it. The tourists think it's hilarious,especially American fuckwits, and all go around doing Peter Sellers impressions. They sell like fuck so I had to get in on it as well. Though that bastard MacFermer buys them in bulk from China so can sell cheaper. My Turbans are all made traditionally by local 9 year olds. It's a cunt. He's ruining it for everyone."

But Sir Tom blasted back." Look these guys have been ripping people off for years and filling their pockets. I have brought hilarious tasteless tacky buffoonery within the reach of the ordinary punter. What's wrong wi' that? I think they should get a sense of humour. Peter Sellers was a very funny man who made Sikhs a sidesplitting figure of fun the world over. Get over it."

Support for the locals has come from Sir Tom's home country however. The latest to throw his turban into the fray is none other than Hardeep Singh Kohli(37). A man who knows a thing or two about exploiting a cultural icon. Speaking unexclusively to The Satire he pontificated. " I was brought up in the mean streets of Glasgow where my parents scraped enough money to buy several properties, and send me and my brother to the tough St. Aloysius(150). Where boys were forced to participate in Polo, Lacrosse and debating societies. Later they sent me to Cambridge where I experienced racism when people kept asking me if I wanted curry when they invited me to dinner parties. I'm from Glasgow. So OK, I don't like tatties and mince and I do like curry, but that's hardly the point. What was the question?"

Mr Kohli then baffled everyone by being omnipresent and knowing very little about turbans.

Scottish Teens Biggest Bullshitters In Europe

2009-03-29T21:59:00.013+01:00

( The Youth of Today: Just look at the bloody state of them. Tsk! Bullshitters!)

Scottish teenagers are the biggest bullshitters in Europe according to the results of a new study by UNICEF.

The two hundred page document released yesterday also claims that Scots teens are third in the world league tables of bullshitters behind Americans at No.1 and Nigerians in the No.2 slot. The damning report also claims that children are getting into bullshit as young as 9 years old.

Among the many things that Scottish teens mainly talk shite about are:

Regularly having sex(mainly boys).
Getting completely rat arsed on 10 cans of super lager(boys)/Breezers(girls).
Being involved in Gang fights/Drug wars.
Doing Hunners of Drugs by the way.
Claiming to be the hardest cunt at school(boys again).
Going to get their room tidied up.

A sad, typical and unfortunately common example of this alarming trend in teenage behaviour, is one Robert 'Psychoasbo' Henry(14) of Uddingston Grammar School Lanarkshire. Self confessed drug dealer and hard case Robert gave his harrowing story last week. Wearing what looked like women's tights on his head underneath a giant Elmer Fudd sized cap, and lots of bling. He swaggered awkwardly up and down the classroom in front of a group of assembled journalists, grabbing his crotch and swearing a lot with an unconvincing machismo, and gave his shocking account of teenage life in Scotland.

John Littlerichard of the Daily Mail seethed with anger as the young thug related how he ran a massive heroin empire from his bedroom by the time he was 11 years old. At 12 he got into prostitution "pimping out" his "hoes" for £10 a shot to 5th year boys, and incredibly, girls. By 13 he had"razored the fuck out of twenty men" and gunned down another three in cold blood for "dissing" him. But the seeds of the young psychopath's tragic existence had been sown in his broken childhood.

Polly Playnwasp of The Guardian broke down in tears, as the boy told of his alcoholic father who beat him with a toaster every day since he was 3 months old. Sometimes the cruel monster would force him to lick his shoes clean, as he repeatedly jammed his head in a Corby trouser press while his drug addled mother laughed and threw rotten fruit. Eventually his father sold him to Arab slave traders and the boy only escaped by offering sexual favours, then running away when their trousers were down round their ankles.

The reporters were less impressed later on when the boy's perfectly respectable parents arrived in their Range Rover to take him to violin practise.

First Minister Alex Salmond welcomed the report however. "This plainly shows once again that under an SNP led Independent Scotland, We as a nation could once again hold our heads high. Leading the world. Even if it is only in blethering a load of pish."

The Bullshit continues.

Actor Everyone Thought Was Dead Apologises

2009-03-26T22:08:00.010Z

(Sir David John White OBE: Very, very sorry and bad at joke telling. You Plonker!!)

An Actor that everyone was convinced had popped his clogs years ago has publicly apologised for telling a joke.

The 69 year old thesp, Sir David John White OBE, aka David Jason, aka Danger Mouse was best known previously for the so called funniest moment in British comedy. The Infamous Del Boy falls over at the bar scene. A scene so hilarious that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was rushed to King Edward VII Hospital with a suspected ruptured farting string after seeing it.

Now the joke seems to be on the ageing star after he told a bad joke to a bloke called Christian O'Connell who apparently has a Radio Show. Quoth Sir David. "What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant....? Mahatma Coat." The joke was immediately pulled from the broadcast but then placed on the podcast, presumably as it would become less bad if they done that. Millions of people from all over the world, none of whom were Pakistani as they were busy avoiding death by terrorism, then rang in to complain.

Speaking from his Castle in Nuremberg Del Boy gave the following apology: "I am deeply, deeply embarrassed and ashamed. Of course now I realise that the the guy in the joke was supposed to be Indian not Pakastani, I offer my sincere apologies to Pakistanis, Indians and fans of Christmas cracker type jokes alike. It completely ruined the punchline and I regret that. Whaaat a Plonker!" At that he solemnly turned and fell over at the bar.

Former comedian and fat racist, Bernard Manning was the first to condemn the Joke from beyond the grave. Speaking through camp scouse fuck wit medium Derek Acorah, he told The Satire ." While I was alive and doing comedy at the Embassy Club I told fookin' loads of gags about Pakistanis. Now I'm up in heaven I realise I was wrong. Seventeen of the cunts live next door to me up here and they are fantastic. David Jason? What a fookin ham. Any cunt knows it's supposed to be an Indian bloke in that gag. Making him Pakistani is not funny, and out of date, hahahahaha...." he tailed off.

King of nostalgic comedy, and star of Countdown's Dictionary Corner, Richard Digance said. " I think that's a horrible joke. Here's one. What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant? A very nice man and a damn good bloke who works bloody hard."

Up and down the streets of Britain people spoke out in condemnation. "Am absolutely shocked so am ur!" Gasped regular Satire rent-a-quote Maureen McGlinchie of Parkhead. "I thought he was pan bread years ago."

Recently unemployed Frankie Douglas from Partick fumed at the outrage. " When I saw that Del Boy sketch the first time I pissed myself so much my bladder exploded out my cock like driver's airbag. The Wife was laughing so long and loud I had to punch her into a coma to get her to stop. Now that I know he is a vile racist, I will no longer be sitting for hours in bars in Spanish tourist traps, watching endless repeats of the show."

Ophelia Cuntington-Smythe(36) speaking from her cottage in the Cotswolds nowhere near any black or Asian people commented. "I think immigrants get a hard enough time without this. I have a Philippino maid, an Albanian gardener and a lovely Polish lad who comes to clean my pipes. All three of them work for peanuts. It's Divine. I think more immigrants should come here, as I have loads of dog shit from my poodles I need cleaned up. Come one, come all I say. Especially as they can't afford to live round here."

Christian O'Connell was available for comment all day, but we couldn't be arsed talking to him.

Campaign To Bring Back Ducking Stool Underway

2009-03-25T05:03:00.022Z

(Left:The Ducking stool put to use on Common Scold)

(Right: Mr Drial heavily disguised)

An Edinburgh Man is campaigning for the return of The Ducking Stool.

Tom Drial(42),who counts John Knox's First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women as one of his favourite holiday reads. Has been lobbying his MP, MSP and The Scottish Parliament for the reimplementation of the device for 5 years now."Let's be clear. We done away with this thing hundreds of years ago and where has it gotten us? Loose Women, that's where. The afternoon TV show I mean. Not the other kind. I'm rather partial to them." Mr. Drial, who's toilet seat is nailed permanently in an upright position, told The Satire! " It may seem cruel and antiquated but those are only two of the advantages. As well as being a punishment it can provide great mirth and delight to countless stressed out men. Fit looking birds could also be made to wear a thin white T-shirt that would go see through when she is ducked. It really is multi faceted.

Tom Drial who looks uncannily like The Editor of an online satirical magazine is to stranger to controversey. Only last month he was awarded the freedom of the City of Riyadh by King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz for "Services to Manfulness". Only to have it rescinded two weeks later when it was discovered Drial had driven a bulldozer through a felafel shop in support of Israel's invasion of Lebanon. Embarrassingly for Drial and the Israelis it later transpired the shop was not even run by Arabs. Drial sent a letter of apology to King Abdullah explaining he'd been "pished oot his nut" at the time. This only enraged the King even further and a fatwa was issued. The Mossad are also on his case. Lothian and Borders Police put a round the clock watch on Tom but he pissed them off by constantly referring to two WPCs as "love", refusing to take the nails out the toilet seat and regularly demanding that they make him cups of tea while trying to get in their pants. The team pulled out.

Mr Drial has also compiled a list of crimes for which the ducking stool could be used along with appropriate punishments. The List includes:

Common Scoldery: Three Ducks of 1 minute each.
Fishwivery: One Duck 1 min
Meddlesome Ratbaggery: Three 1 min
Burning my dinner: Four 2 min
Gasbaggery: Two 1 min
Buying me the wrong present for my birthday when I've banged on for a Bastard year about that putter I wanted:

Drownded, revived by being slapped in the face with said John Knox masterpiece then drownded again.

We at The Satire put it to Mr. Drial, who is surprisingly single, that he was being slightly misogynistic what with this being modern times but he chuckled and disagreed. " Not at all, I'm a big softcock really. I always hold in my farts in bed with a woman and whenever a household appliance breaks down I always get her a new one."

The scheduled march through the streets of Edinburgh by thousands of supporters was canceled today when their wives wouldn't let them go.

"Ship Not Sinking!"Says Sinking Ship's Captain.

2009-03-25T00:02:00.012Z

(Left: "No more sink or swim". Captain Brown.) (Above Right: SS.Britainic apparently NOT sinking)

From our Maritime correspondent: Vice Rear Admirer. Carlton Mingles-Mingles SOS.

Despite hundreds of large rodents pouring overboard, amid screams of terror and mass panic, a brave ship's Captain has steadfastly assured all on the board(surely 'on board'. Ed.) that there was no need for alarm.

Captain Gordon Brown of the SS. Britainic made the appeal to both passengers and crew yesterday after the ship run aground off the coast of North West Europe. Despite dire warnings from other shipping in the region The SS. Britainic collided with a notoriously treacherous maritime hazard The Northern Rock. The Bilge immediately started overflowing and began to flood the lower classes(surely compartments.Ed) and the ship listed dangerously to the left causing many to panic and head for the Life Savings Bonds(Boats!! You're fired! Ed.). Distress flares were fired and an SOS sent out but the USS. America was in similar difficulties and unable to respond.

Cometh the hour though, cometh the man and Captain Brown stepped up heroically to the mark. " No-one could have foreseen this massive ruddy great obstacle sticking out of the water. Unless of course they were able to utilise some sort of rudimentary bifocal seeing device. However now that this terrible tragedy has befallen you all. Let's not get carried away. Despite the fact that the ship is disappearing below the surface at a rapid rate of knots, and people and pieces of furniture are sliding past you. Take heart. Even now, very now, The Purser Mr. Darling is frantically re-arranging the deck chairs and our entertainments officer Mr Balls is currently organising a game of quoits for the pensioners. This ship is most certainly not blubble blubble glurg..." He gasped as the ship's band bravely played ' Things can only get better' the ship's anthem.

Heavy criticism came from Captain Vince Cable of the SS.Libdem however. Only a mile away from the disaster at the time. "For mile after nautical mile I pleaded with Captain Brown over the airwaves to change course and not crash his vessel into a bloody big stone. He simply called me a nervous Nelly and cackled insanely into the radio."

HM Coast Guard were unavailable for comment as they were all signing on the dole.

Men Embarassed Over Burlesque Confusion

2009-03-20T19:22:00.008Z

( Right: Slapper.Totally Different.

(Bellow:Burlesque Artiste)

Thousands of men all over the World, but mainly one in Edinburgh, were ashamed today to realise they have been getting sexually aroused by perfectly respectable performance artistes.

"I'm thoroughly digusted wi maself." Cried 42 year old Tom Laird, ruggedly handsome yet witty,sensitive and intelligent reporter and Editor in Chief of The Satire. "There I was regularly spanking one out to the likes of Dita Von Teese, Pink, Christine Aguilera, Catherine Zeta Jones and Nicole Kidman in that shite film with Ewan McGregor about Paris and that. Now I realise that what they were doing has nothing whatsoever to do with stripping and is something totally different, I don't know where to look. I feel such a fool. I can only offer my sincere apologies to these lovely ladies for any offence caused and will assure them that from now on I will only tug myself off to them when they are not doing Burlesque."

These sentiments were shared by by men from New York to Hong Kong. Mulenga Bwalya(28) from Lusaka Zambia used to relieve himself discretely under the table at an internet cafe in the city's Cairo Road on a daily basis to the likes of Dita Von Teese,Pink, Christine Aguilera, Catherine Zeta Jones and "Madam Nicole Kidman in that most bad film with the Scottish man who rides motorbikes in Africa. But now God has shown me the error of my ways I am very sorry to those very wonderful women. I will only play with my chikala when they are not Burlesqeuing."

Deng Shiu Pong(31) from Shanghai told The Satire, " I am most confused. I thought these women were sexy and alluring. Now I have found out that they are professional artistes I am very annoyed with myself. I like very much Dita Von Teese, and the other ones the other two guys like as well as Nicole Kidman in that awful film with Charlie Boorman in it. I am very sorry and humbled that I spent much time masturbating like sick monkey. From now on I will be very careful to only jerk off to strippers."

Burlesque is an art form invented in the olden days when women weren't allowed to do striptease until they'd finished all the housework. It has had a recent resurgence due to the fact it allows middle class girls to prance about scantily clad. Getting their jollies whilst simultaneously looking down their noses at working class girls who get their kit off and rub their tits in men's faces for a living.

"Burlesque is an art form yeah. It's about female empowerment and expressing yourself. Men should not be getting turned on by it at all. It makes me very angry. Perverts!" Said Miss Imogen Waiterose aka 'Pousez Lix'(26), looking through her legs while bending over in fishnet stockings.

Mr Laird's trial continues at Edinburgh Sheriff Court.

Fat Davey Is New Face of Versace

2009-03-18T17:03:00.002Z

(Fat David: 1979.The Halcyon days . Sporting his summer collection outside his council house in Fife)

A Cowdenbeath Man has landed a top modeling job with a famous fashion designer.

Fat Davey aka David Donaldson(56) from Woodend, broke the astonishing news to his incredulous mates down at The Glen Tavern last Friday night after the bingo. Davey's Mother Cathy(84) was the first to offer him her congratulations. "He was always a right good lookin' boy. Not as good lookin' as his father but he's always had a way with the ladies." She said proudly." I've never met any of his girlfriends, but whenever he gets in from work I make him his tea, and he tells me about all the women that are after him. Britney Spears is one of them. I think she bides in Lochgelly or somewhere exotic like that. So it came as no shock to me that yon Tally fella gave him a job. Apparently he was asked to be Bruce Willis in one of they Die hard movies. But he turned it down to nurse me when I had bunions. He's a good boy."

Others were a tad more skeptical. "He's a spinning cunt!" Spat Wullie Menzies(46). What's the fat fuck modeling? Bras? He talks utter shite, take it from me come this time next week he will still be driving the 33 and telling us he gave up modelling coz they wanted him to do nude work. Wanker."

" The only thing Davey is a model of is a fat waster." Echoed bar maid Gail Robertson(28). "He's always tryin' to chat me up and get into my knickers by tellin' me his tall tales. The best one is when apparently Him and George Clooney got into a fight over a bird in a Dunfermline night club. It ends up with Davey banging Clooney's head off the floor shouting ' Have ye had enough yet Geordie? Have ye? Eh? Eh?Eh? ' In rhythm with the thumps. He then picks up Clooney and throws him at the bouncers. After that he takes George's girlfriend home and shags her. I don't believe a word of it. Especially the bit about the shag."

Fat Davey was unavailable for comment as he was on a photo shoot in Dubai with the Pussycat Dolls.

Obama Change Train Thunders On.

2009-03-18T14:56:00.004Z

(President Obama : Not being like former president Bush)

From our Washington Corespondent: Chuck Mingles

Barack Obama's train of change continued to rumble down those tracks at breakneck runaway speed yesterday when in a shock move he replaced the curtains in the Oval Office.

The unprecedented move has polarised political pundits who praised and condemned the action in equal measure. A top White House aide, Dwight D. Donaldson, sang the presidents praises to this reporter down the telephone this morning. " I think this sends a clear message that the old regime has gone for good and that a new age is dawning for America. The curtains are merely the tip of the iceberg. I can disclose that their are radical new plans afoot to completely replace the soap dispensers in the toilets as well. I think people will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel for our great nation. One with a new energy saving bulb at that."

Even allowing for the terrible connection it was a strange song with a complete lack of rhyme, rhythm or melody and his guitar was in need of retuning.

Outside the White House rails a big group of naive candy assed liberals hooted, whooped and a hollered and done that stupid dance where you stir a big invisible bowl of porridge with both hands. "We love you Barack!" Shrieked 16 year old, over enthusiastic, unattractive and overweight Sophomore Kelly Bagel, through the railings.

From his home in Hollywood actor Richard Dreyfus sent a televised message to Obama supporters, encouraging them to continue a candlelit vigil for the complete interior redecoration of the Presidents home. "A total lack of vision in the curtain department characterised the last Presidency and contributed to the deaths of thousands in Iraq and Afghanistan. Those days are over and our troops can die proudly in the knowledge that they have a Commander in Chief who cares deeply about drapery." Intoned Mr. Dreyfus. The actor best known for annoying Robert Shaw.

Scathing attacks were launched across the political right today though. The most blistering coming from Talk Radio host Rush Boorman who bellowed, "This proves that Obama is the worst kind of tax and spend liberal, robbing the hard working middle classes of America in order to pay for his Commie curtains. I bet they are red. Mark my words it's the thin edge of the pinko wedge. Today the curtains, tomorrow the soap dispensers, then before you know it heavily armed BATF thugs will storm through your door and redecorate your house with all fagoty pastels and shades. Over my red white and blue curtain draped body!"

President Obama was unavailable for comment as he was printing huge sums of cash to spend on bombing Afghanistan.

"Jesus Was Scottish". Claims Half Arsed Theologian

2009-03-06T15:05:00.005Z

(Left: Dr. Beckford in the Gorbals)

(Right: Our 'Artist's' Impression of Jesus at the Last Supper)

Jesus came from The Gorbals. That's the official verdict of a contraversial Anglo/Carribean theologian in his new book and TV special "The Gorbals According To Christ".

Dr. Robert Beckford who spent hours researching the theory that he now claims to be conclusive told The Satire " There can be absolutely no doubt now that the Gospels were probably wrong and that our Lord and saviour was in fact maybe a soapdodger. All the circumstantial evidence tends to suggest that he could have been a Wegie and that he was most definitely possibly born in The Gorbals. This will rock traditional Christianity to it's foundations.

Dr. Beckford gained his PhD in Creative Theology at the University of Birmingham. He is no stranger to contention, previously bringing the edifice of Orthodox Christianity crashing to the ground six times with his previous theories that included:

Jesus: The Unmistakable Iraqi Origins
Christ: I'm a Deity get me out of here(The Undeniable Early Jamaican Years)
Jesus the Muslim
Goodness Gracious Me- ssiah: How our Lord ended up in India.
Christ of the Antarctic
The Jesus Myth: How the Aboriginals Invented Catholicism

"This only goes to show that Dr. Beckford can't seem to decide what he believes or why." Claimed the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone from Glastonbury where he was being initiated into the Golden Dawn society. "However what's important here is not to get caught up in a lot of doctrinal doggy doo about Jesus's nationality and to concentrate on the central Christian message of keeping me in a job."

The Dreadlocked academic hit back at his detractors with what he claimed was irrefutable evidence for his thesis. "I met a guy in a pub in the Calton and he swore it was true. If that wasn't enough, we have the documented Gospels of Partick Prophet William Of Connolly, written around 1976 CE. In which he describes in detail and with great humour the true story of Jesus. To this day in Glasgow, names like Mary, Joseph, Paul, John, Peter and Shug are very common. There is even a distinctly Middle Eastern looking temple in the middle of the Gorbals to this day.Explain that one. How any one can claim that a bunch of stories sometimes written up to 20 years after the events can be relied upon, I just don't know.

Neither Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens would comment as they weren't giving a fuck.

Bellshill Man Sues Sally James

2009-03-05T14:56:00.014Z

( Left:Mr. McGrory after laser eye treatment)

(Right: Almost Legendary tits)

A Lanarkshire man is set to bring a £1,000,000 lawsuit against former children's TV presenter Sally James on the grounds that she completely ruined his eyesight.

Kevin McGrory of Community Rd Bellshill is outraged that he has failed to realise his childhood dream of becoming an airline pilot, and puts the blame squarely at the door of the busty Tiswas star.

"Up until I was 9 my eyesight was better than a hawk with binoculars, then Sally came on Saturday morning telly with her Almost Legendary Pop Interviews and things started to slip. You have to remember these were the days before cable, or Internet or even Channel 4 with it's arty french porn films. Catching a glimpse of Sally's cleavage at the weekend was every boys highlight. To make things worse my Maw and Da used to go to ASDA and leave me in the hoose alone. I made the most of it I can tell you. It was ecstasy. The sight of those babies jiggling as she laughed was as good as watching hard core dutch filth. I ruined two settee's, and three carpets. When the guys came from General George to fit a new one they had to tear the old one up with a pneumatic drill. My Mother was disgusted."

But young Kev was to pay dearly for his libidinous pleasure. "I paid dearly for my liby..libid...lobby...horny fun" he said, wiping away a tear of regret. "By the time I was 14 my eyesight was away to fuck. I couldn't even knock one out to page three of The Sun as I couldn't even find the paper let alone the pictures. I made Mr. Magoo look like Steve Austin. And that's not all. Both my young brothers are over six feet tall. I stayed at 4'10" the rest of my days. I also had hands like a gorilla's and had to shave them every other day. It was all very traumatic. Much as I have fond memories of Sally, her and her big lovely tits have a lot to answer for."

Despite thousands of pounds spent on corrective eye treatment Mr. McGrory is still "as blin as a bat" and experts say he will never be able to as much as fly a kite never mind a passenger jet.

"It all sounds very tragic but this has really got fuck all to do with me." Said Sir Richard Branson. Beardy owner of some aeroplanes, dismissively from his mobile phone. In a balloon somewhere over the Atlantic when The Satire called him yesterday. " If the authorities say he can't fly," he explained, "He can't fly. How the hell did you get this number?"

Sally James(58) was not prepared to talk to us no matter how great we said her tits were. However her lawyer, Digby Carter-Cunt of Shyster Huxter and Cunt emphatically denied the claim.

"My Almost Legendary client denies this claim emphatically. It's absurd and ridiculous. I have inside information from Mr. McGrory's brother that my client was not the only object of his desire. Apparently he was regularly pulling the head of it to Sheena Easton, Janet Ellis, The cadbury's bunny and even Fran & Anna. Why should Ms. James take all the spunk..I mean blame. Besides, I and many another young lad were chugging away at the sight of Sally's hooters and it never done us any harm." He said, talking to a lamp post.

Lenny Henry was available for comment 143 times this week but we wouldn't answer the phone.

Simple Salmond Says!

2009-01-26T21:20:00.008Z

In yet another sensational coup by your favourite online news source, starting this week, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond joins The Satire for a new weekly column. In it Alex will be answering all your questions in his own inimitable, smug, self confident yet overly simplistic style.

Our first question this week comes from a Mr. Jack McConnell from Motherwell who writes:

Dear Alex,

Having left Bute House unexpectedly and in somewhat of a rush, I inadvertently forgot a £50 note and an 18 year old bottle of Talisker behind. It should be in my, er ..your desk, bottom drawer right. Any sign?

Salmond Says: Naw! Next time try flushing the toilet as well ya dick. The stench was rotten. Curry was it?

Q: Dear Mr Salmond,

My Husband and I are on the lookout for a new car. He is keen for something economical, what with the current climate. I have lots of trendy friends, as we live in the West End and therefore need something environmentally friendly to avoid embarrassment at dinner parties. Diesel or Petrol? Mrs Bunty McIver. Glasgow

Salmond Says: Under an SNP led independent Scotland petrol will be 2p per gallon. While we pledge to invent a new engine that runs on coal.

Q: Look here Mr. Salmond,

Do you seriously believe that an Independent Scotland is either attainable or even viable in the current Globalist trend? The CBI and The Adam Smith institute say no. You're smarter than them are you? J Paxman. Oxon

Salmond Says: First of all, Good Evening Jeremy. Secondly may I just say how typical this is of anti SNP and anti Scottish bias often displayed by the BBC in London. Thirdly yes and yes again. Problem?!

Q: What's heavier? A ton of lead or a ton of feathers? A. F Uckwit. Fife

Salmond Says: Ha Ha! You don't catch me out with that old chestnut. Under an SNP led Independent Scotland both a feather and a lump of lead will weigh exactly the same, thus avoiding the old confusion and inequalities of the past.

Q: Dear Mr. S,

My girlfriend and I are about to announce our engagement and are planning a modest reception in a local hotel, probably around May. I understand that some sort of alcoholic refreshment is in order and white wine is the usual tipple. I favour the Chateau Delmond Sauternes 2000. However I am assured by my girlfriend that this is a dessert wine, and will result in a social faux pas akin to a fart in the chapel. She is heart set on the Ch. Malartic Lagraviere 2007, but it's £30 a pop for fucksakes! Any suggestions? Mr. H. Donald. Edinburgh

Salmond Says: Congratulations! Never fear. SNP to the rescue once more. Under new legislation being rammed through without so much as a 'by your leave' by my colleague and Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill. Sales of alcohol to anyone below the rank of MSP will be outlawed. Starting April. Tesco do nice sparkly juice for 99p.

Q: Alex Salmond,

Before the Scottish elections you promised an extra 500 police on the beat. Now it seems you were talking out your arse. Ditto with your plans to ditch the hated council tax. How's that one coming along? K. Wark. Glasgow

Salmond Says: Here we fuckin go. Yet again GOOD EVENING! Listen Kirsty. If you get get off your knees and get Jack McConnell's cock out of your gob for a minute you might actually say something worth listening to. Instead of droning on in that patronising nasal drawl of yours boring us all shitless on Newsnight Review. I went to see a film you said was "a supreme and uplifting example of the genre" the other night and it was pish.

How about my money back? Aha, one rule for you and another for everyone else. Stick to flashing your pins love. BTW David Baddiel was much better on Book Quiz. An that's saying something.

That's all from Alex this week folks. Please leave your comments and questions for Alex and he will endeavour to answer them all in his very own sarcastic manner.

Andy McNab is Fat Wife From Aberdeen Sensation!

2009-01-16T14:30:00.018Z

(Below Left: Mrs Geddes

at home in Torry)

(Right: Heavily Disguised as McNab)

So called SAS Gulf War Hero, "Author" and any time the forces get mentioned on telly, rent-a-quote Andy McNab. Has been sensationally outed as a portly fishwife from Torry by your favourite online news source.

The Satire tracked down Maureen Geddes(59) to her semi-detached house on the banks of the River Dee where she was badgered relentlessly into giving us an exclusive interview. "I'm just glad a' the pretence is oer wi an I can just be open aboot it ye ken." She sighed with relief in between puffs on her pipe, the aroma of Old Holburn ever present in the air. "It's the lies I've had to tell my own family that have taken the greatest toll on me."

"Fit's she like?"gasped her daughter Jackie(23) incredulously on being confronted with the news. "All they times she never turned up to meet me at the bingo, to think she could have been out raiding embassies, garroting ragheads, training unsavoury foreign regimes how to kill their internal enemies more efficiently, or even marrying a string of peroxide blond bimbos called Kimberly for Queen and country. It doesn't bear thinking aboot." She said, not quite grasping the concept of ghost writing.

Next door neighbour and well known meddlesome ratbag Agnes MacHag(age undisclosed), ranted " I kent she was up to nae guid in there. Tappin awa on yon word processor day and night. Parcelforce were always leaving deliveries in ma porch for her. They turned oot to be full o' books. Lofty Wiseman, Ray Mears and Tom Weir, ye ken a' yon survival stuff. Then there was specialist stuff on makin bombs an slotting folk etc. But the biggest giveaway was when she started hangin aboot wi that Grant frae Eastenders. Ross Kamp I think his name is. Well he's in the SAS ye ken."

Maureen's husband Bob(60) was always in on the secret though. " I would always have a good laugh to myself whenever they were on the news giving it Andy McNab says this, that and the next thing. If only folk knew the truth. I could hardly keep a straight face when she got her DCM from the Queen. Prince Phillip kept looking at her askance. He almost tumbled at one point when she kept showing him photo's of her grandbairns. That was a close one.

" To think it all started 30 years ago with a couple of short stories to the People's Friend." Explained Mrs. Geddes, peeling tatties." It just snowballed from there. I never thought that Bravo Two Zero would be a success. Funny as it was, it was riddled with inconsistencies and that bastard Michael Asher nearly ruined everything. The hardest thing was TV interviews. Luckily I was always in shadow or wearing one of those balaclava things. Thankfully they would always use the voice of an actor as well. As I can't do an English accent worth shit. Getting time off from the fish factory was always a problem. I was running out of dead relatives. Thank fuck you've exposed me."

The shock news comes after the recent revelation that Sir Ranulph Fiennes is a poofy hairdresser from Leith.

Neither the publishing company nor the MoD were available for comment as they were hugely embarrassed.

Bike Man Ordered In 1909 Finally In Stock

2009-01-08T15:49:00.011Z

(Left:Kaspar Von Furniss test rides

the bicycle 110 years ago)

(Above: Von Furniss's Grandson Olaf Reacts to the news the bicycle is in stock)

A bicycle ordered a century ago by a German immigrant in Edinburgh eventually arrived yesterday. Much to the consternation of the mans descendants.

Mr Olaf Furniss(51) received the news by telephone in his poorly furnished Stockbridge flat yesterday. " I couldn't really take it in at first and wondered what the fuck they were going on about." Furniss told The Satire yesterday evening over a cup of tea without sugar, milk ,or indeed tea, in it. He continued," This annoyingly cheery voice on the other side of the phone announced blithely that the bike was in stock. Fuck me, I thought, that was quick I only ordered it 3 months ago. Surely some mistake. Imagine my consternation when I found out that it was a bike ordered by my grandad before the great war."

Innes MacPedal(17) Manager of The Edinburgh Bike Collective (Formerly Ye Olde Edinburgh Bike Collective: Purveyors of the finest machines to the Discerning Gent) In Bruntsfield, made the following statement. " It only shows the quality of our service that even after all this time we still managed to deliver. Mr. Furniss is now potentially in possession of an antique of great value. Unfortunately this means that the balance he owes us which was previously £1. 5 shillings and thrupence is now £62,522.34p. The matter has been passed to our legal department and I have nothing further to say.Except you know what these boxheads are like. They want everything yesterday, and no sense of humour."

"This is pish." Complained Furniss from his badly insulated and even more poorly furnished flat, as the sherriff's officers removed his bread maker,fondue set, stereo gram, and Demis Roussos record collection. " I can't even get the bike I ordered now. I will have to walk to LiDL to buy my Pumpernickel."

He then branded The Edinburgh Bike Collective "Cunts" and claimed it would never have happened had Hitler won the war.

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2009-01-06T06:37:00.004Z

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Byff Byford Embroiled In Hip-Hop Outrage Confusion

2009-01-06T05:11:00.009Z

(Left: Byford fakes a heart attack

to avoid Fans's fury)

(Above: Furious Saxon Fans)

Aged rockers Saxon were in hiding yesterday, after a furore erupted over the rumour they were "selling out", and going to do Hip-Hop. The Satire can exclusively reveal.

Heavily Mentalist Byff Byford(73), the lead singer of the band that were once at the forefront of the so called New Wave Of British Heavy Metal, was forced to cancel a gig and go into hiding when fans stormed the stage at The Tumbledown Dick pub in Farnborough Hants. The band were half way through a nationwide tour that takes in Aldershot, Frimley Green, Bagshot, Farnham and culminating In an open air festival in Barnsley where they were to support Dumpy's Rusty Nuts. All that seems in jepardy now.

Speaking through the letterbox of The Restwood Lodge B&B , 76 Woodham Rd Woking ,Mr Byford told The Satire. " Fook off yer Jock Bastards, before yer give the game away." Later our reporter managed to contact Saxon's Tour Manager Doreen Crowley(53, no relation.) who told us. "There seems to have been the most terrible misunderstanding, in a recent press release we revealed that the band were indeed "selling out" all the venues on their current European tour and that Byff would be going in for a long awaited "hip opp" at Royal Hallamshire Hospital Sheffield when the tour was over. We just hope the fans will realise their mistake and calm the fuck down."

There was some good news for the band this morning when it was reported by our source in the USA that a mediation team lead by Dave Ling and Geoff Barton managed to rescind a Fatwa issued by Eric Adams of Man O' War that called for the Barnsley Boys to be "beaten to death with rolled up copies of Classic Rock and thrown into the river Styx(sic)" . Also in a serendipitous tragedy Steve"Ponce"Dawson was set upon by a gang of Gumby jacketed thugs and beaten unconscious with his own base.

Byff Byford will be joined in hospital by Mr Dawson and David Coverdale whos colon is giving him awful gip.

Rommel Was A German, Shocker!!!!!

2008-12-23T18:17:00.013Z

(General Feld Marschall Erwin Rommel

The smile belies the sinister fact......

He was a German.)

(Above Right: A German......Disgusting!)

The World and particularly dull Daily Mail readers were aghast today at the revelations the hitherto respected Erwin Rommel turns out to be German.

A new exhibition put on by some self loathing revisionist historians in Stuttgart called " The Non German Myth". Aims to shatter the belief that he was in no way a Krauser that went about North Africa shooting people at the behest of his mental, baby eating , mono testicled fuhrer. Or that he was just a decent bloke out for a drive in his Kubelwagen, when he stumbled across a couple of hundred thousand British Soldiers trampling all over wogs and stealing their dates.

Madly badly informed regular rent-a-quote for tabloids, Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead fumed "I think it's a disgrace. My Grandad was a bus conductor in Clydebank during the war and saw a UXB in Yoker. I hate to think what could have happened to him because of the Germans. I for one won't be watching anymore films with Mr. Rimmel in them. Or buying anymore of his beauty products. I hope he commits suicide."

Her thoughts were echoed by Edna McScone (71). " I think it's disgraceful as well. My second cousin's wife's granny met a Jew once. He was an awfy nice man so they say. He got knocked down an killed by a BMW in Giffnock. The Germans should be ashamed. Anyway it's these Pakies and Albanians you have to watch. They are everywhere."

Old soldier and former Desert Rat, Hughie MacWheezey (86 ye know) was never fooled however. He remembers the time he was captured and cruelly interrogated by the Desert Fox outside Tobruk in 1942. Speaking from the British Legion club in Larkhall he told The Satire. "All this guff about him being a gallant hero and a gentleman is just complete nonsense. I remember him goose stepping up to me, fixing me with an evil stare and saying, "Vot iss your name?" I knew right there and then he was a sausage munching kraut scumbag and not to be trifled with. So I told him everything. His eyes were really close together. I think he might have been a catholic as well. None of yous are Tims are you? Winston Churchill. He had the right idea with the Irish you know."

The exhibition continues and will be followed up in April with " Uncle Joe Stalin-He wasn't that bad a bloke."

Dictator Urged To Step Down By African Union

2008-12-23T12:08:00.009Z

From our Africa Corespondent Chaka Mingeleles

After an historic meeting held in Addis Ababa yesterday the Pan African Parliament called on Gordon McGrabby to relinquish power and ease the suffering of his impoverished people.

Unelected McGrabby(57) has stubbornly held office in Zinabadway since June 2007 where he has been responsible for the worst economic situation in the country's history. Unemployment is soaring, food prices are rocketing and McGrabby's government are having to raise tax and borrow £500,000,000 per day to bail out the corrupt financial institutions.

Human rights watchdogs have also been concerned about the tyrant's abuse of power in respect of the opposition. Recently anti-terrorist police, under orders from his feared Home secretary, raided the offices of an opposition MP and arrested him on charges of not being in the Labour party.

Speaking from the podium in front of over 200 representatives of African nations Gertrude Mongella, President of the A.U, made this appeal to Mr. McGrabby yesterday.

"Once you were hailed as the saviour of your people. Ready to lead them into a new Jerusalem of peace, prosperity, over inflated property prices and crazy borrowing. But now that it is clear that you do not know your arse from your elbow. Do the decent thing and give a free and fair election to your people.

She then called for McGrabby to lend them some cash.

Ultimate Frisbee, Ultimately 98% More Annoying.

2008-12-22T08:05:00.016Z

(Left: Our Science corespondent

Checks the data)

(Below: If only......)

From our Science Corespondent Miss Honey Bunns Phd

Top Boffins at Herriot Watt University have concluded that Ultimate Frisbee, the popular sport played by ultra alpha fuck wits, is almost 100% more annoying than its more tedious counterpart.

The blatantly obvious results were confirmed by The Satire's science correspondent late last night( another late night for me and the lovely Miss Bunns. Ed.), as well as everyone else who has ever had a 14 stone dickhead ruining their day.

"Ultimate", as it is known to it's participants, is a limited contact team sport played with a 175 gramme flying disc, and was invented in 1968 by Joel Silver and some student mates from Columbia University in an attempt to prove their cocks were bigger than anyone else. The sport takes place in any busy public recreation area, such as a park or beach, and points are scored in accordance with which teams cause the most annoyance, and inflicts the most casualties on innocent bystanders. Players must also have a pair of Oakleys permanently riveted to the top of their head.

The sport is now played internationally, although participants are encouraged to shout banal Americanisms such as, "Woooo!!" "Alright!!! Yeah!!! Hell Yeah!!! Owned!! And to do that idiotic dance where you stir a big imaginary cauldron with both hands.

Despite the macho posturing it has now also been conclusively proved that male competitors of Ultimate have on average a much smaller penis than a prepubescent boy. It's likely that the original inventors of the sport were big fearties who couldn't take part in other normal contact sports. High instances of gayness,hairdressing, a penchant for fashion and flower arranging have also been recorded.

The news will come as a shock to most Ultimate players both male and female who reckoned they were granite.

Australian aficionado Jett McLachlan told The Satire. " Aww mate take yer hand off it. You wouldn't say that if you just had your nose skinned by an off target throw. Any Idea how many toddlers I've killed? How many cyclists I have personally flattened? How many picnics I have put an abrupt end to?No? Yee well rack off then mate." He then flashed what appeared to be a chipolata smuggled in his pants then back flipped and moon walked away.

Another version of the game, known as Intense Ultimate, has been developed for those intent on irritating other people within a more confined space.

Scottish Division to be Amalgamated

2008-12-18T11:04:00.019Z

(Above: The New IFV MACV10)

(Left: Pvt Col. F. Douglas in the ceremonial

garb of the newly formed regiment)

Old soldiers were furious yesterday at the news that the Scottish Division is to be downsized even further in a sweeping new defence cut anounced by the government .

In a massive shake up of the existing structure, The Royal Regiment of Scotland is to be reduced down to one soldier. The new regiment will be known as the 1st Bn The Queen's Ownly Highlander and is to be based in a Portakabin in Edinburgh Castle Esplanade.

The regiments only soldier, Frankie Douglas from Partick, is to be given the new rank of Private Colonel in keeping with the rigours of the regiment's new role. Pvt Col. Douglas will be responsible for administration and discipline within the new formation as well as having to execute the ordinary everyday duties expected of a modern infantry soldier. To reduce costs even further Pvt Col. Douglas will have to feed and equip himself at his own expense, although on the receipt of this news many old soldiers have remarked "What the fuck's new?" The MOD have however managed to negotiate a deal with ASDA/Wal-Mart where the new regiment will be given a 10% discount on all work related products including tins of beans, spam, corned beef, own brand tea/coffee and DPM combat gear from George. The Soldier will also be expected to fuck himself about on a regular basis.

A top Army Head Shed, Brigadier General Sir Alan Empty Uniform-Smyth OBN* gave The Satire his thoughts on the new arrangements. "Well you know it's always been my view that the traditional set up of the Army has always been the best one and I have made my views about these disgraceful and dangerous defence cuts absolutely clear". He said, covering his arse. Asked whether he or any of his fellow officers planned to resign their commisions in protest over the cuts the Brigadier coughed and spluttered, looked at his watch and said ," Good Lord! Is that the time? I must be getting on up to the mess. I have every confidence in the ability of our brave chap to cope with whatever challenges he will face." With that he stood up, saluted then about turned and walked into a cupboard.

The news of the amalgamation comes on the heels of a revelation that the new regiment is to be deployed to Afghanistan early next year. He will be the first unit to be equipped with the recently unveiled state of the art Armoured Personnel Carrier. The much touted AFV MACV 10, Kevlar 18 speed Mountain Bike with front mounted basket. Able to carry 5 kilos of groceries or even ammunition. Top MOD boffins have described the new vehicle as "The Rolls Royce of modern armoured infantry transport". Soldiers carrying out trials of the prototype at Warminster and BATUS earlier this year described it as "a pile of shite!"

Pvt Col. Douglas was unavailable for comment as he was beasting himself up the Pentland hills.

*Order of the Brown Nose

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2008-12-18T10:46:00.005Z

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Obama Change Train Derailed

2008-12-17T02:35:00.003Z

( Barack Obama: Attempting to levitate the whole of America out of the shit)

From Our Washington corespondent Chuck Mingles

Barack Obama's Train of change crashed to a spectacular halt yesterday, as millions of ordinary hard working Americans awoke to the realisation that it was going to be the same old shit with a different boss.

Disgruntled former Obama campaigner Mike Delaney(35) a Stevedore from Philadelphia woke up this morning and found to his disappointment that he still had bills to pay.

" I mean is this the shit what I busted my ass to get Barack elected for for christsakes?" He promised us change. He is just another lying politician. Apparently I will still got to pay my bills after he gets sworn in. What bullshit is this?" Asked Delaney angrily from his clearly dilapidated house. "And my wife is STILL a fat bitch!" He added ruefully.

Mr. Delaney is sadly typical of many disaffected voters all over America. According to a CNN poll carried out last night:

A staggering 78% of the population still felt that their life was shit.
An Incredible 69% claimed their kids still hated them.
A whopping 94% said their neighbors were assholes.
60% were shocked to realise Obama was black.
75% felt betrayed that the second coming of christ didn't happen.
63% agreed with Delaney that their wives were still fat bitches.
49% said Obama should fry for what he did on 9-11.

This news puts somewhat of a damper on Obama's sweeping victory in the recent election.

"We at least thought the euphoria would last till after he was sworn in."

Said Obama spokesman Dwight D. Donaldson (48). Asked about Republican calls for The President Elect to prove his nationality Mr Donaldson coughed and said "We are responding to that question as quickly as we can. There seems to be a problem finding Barack's passport. It appears the dog may have eaten it.

Former Republican presidential nominee John McCain commented in reply. "Has anyone seen my glasses? I'm sure I had them. "His wife pointed out they were on top of his head then directed him back to bed.

Violent Criminal to Sue Kenny MacAskill

2008-12-17T01:01:00.003Z

(Right: MacAskill: Some animals more equal than others)

(Left: DC Thomson threatening our reporter)

Scottish Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill MSP(50) is to be sued in conjunction with the Home Office by multiple killer and Glasgow underworld hard man, D.C " It wisnae me" Thomson.

D.C (54) , also known as "The Claimant" due to his habit of claiming everything from several lives to The Dole and disability, was a one time associate of the East Ends infamous toy wielding thugs The Kraze Twins. The nature of Mr Thomson's complaint against the Home office and in Particular Mr. MacAskill are twofold.

That the Home office and the Justice secretary are violating Thomson's human rights by putting him in prison.
That most of Mr. Thomson's crimes were committed under the influence of cheap alcohol, and that if The Justice secretary had introduced his draconian drinking laws sooner, Thomson would not be where he is today.

Speaking from very plush Legal Aid financed offices in Edinburgh, Thomson's lawyer, Donald Farquhar Q.C of Shyster, Farquhar and Charlatan , made the following statement.

" Mr. Thomson is just another victim here. The real problem is the system which allowed my client to get violently drunk in the first place. What is also a national disgrace is the conditions my client has to put up with. It is bad enough that they have taken away his liberty, it is further insult to injury that he is kept locked up in a prison all day every day as well. What kind of world are we leaving our children, when an innocent violent criminal can have his freedom curtailed like this?" Mr Farquhar(50) then lit up a Cuban cigar with a £100 note and laughed as he examined a huge pile of Legal Aid applications on his desk.

Thomson's reign of fear came to an end 5 years ago when he was convicted of the murder of Glasgow Off Licence worker Cheryl McLaughlin, her entire family and anyone who knew them. Miss McLaughlin had refused to sell the violent head case a carry out on the grounds that the shop was no longer open. If Thomson succeeds in his bid, it will be his 4th victory in 5 years. Previous claims include:

£150,000 for not giving him a cell with a nice view
£50,000 for forcing him to associate with criminals
£55,000 for having been provided with the wrong colour curtains that really fucked with his feng shui
£35 to have his clothes dry cleaned from the blood of fellow inmate Wullie " ten bob" Campbell

This comes as another blow to the Scottish Justice Minister who's tenure has been blighted by extremely unpopular policies. A spokesman for the Minister Donald Davidson(39) issued this statement to The Satire.

" This tragic case only goes to highlight the importance of stopping supermarkets selling booze to ordinary plebs. Had Miss McLaughlin's off licence shop not been selling Carlsberg special brew at Six cans for £4.00 she would still be alive and Mr. MacAskill would be out of a lucrative job....erm ..well....I mean.. eh...sorry...erm.. I didn't think this one through."

Former Left Wing firebrand Kenny MacAskill, who instantly realised Socialism was bollocks the minute he was offered the £92,000 per year plus expenses position, was unavailable for comment as he was getting pished at a football match.

Ghost Walks To Be 33% Scarier By 2010

2008-11-26T17:59:00.001Z

(Right: An obvious hoax)

In a shock new directive from an unelected and unaccountable twat in Brussels yesterday. Ghost tours in Edinburgh must have people shitting themselves in the next two years.

E.U Commissioner Guy Pierre Van Hoinkydoink(50) made the announcement to the European Parliament's Committee de Merde Triviale of which he is Chairman. Speaking through a translator because he gets a huge budget and tax breaks for using one, and he wouldn't lower himself to speak English anyway. He told The Satire's Europe correspondent Carlos Minglez that a complete shake up was on the cards. "On the cards there eez a shake up complete. The tourists must know that when they pay good Euros to get a fright then that is exactly what they will get. They must be, how you say...bricking it?"

Under the new rules outlined by the Commissioner, Edinburgh City Council will have to start coming up with some real ghosts pretty sharpish or be forced to redefine Ghost tours as "Unemployed Actor Tours."

In view of this Edinburgh council have enlisted the help of camp scouse fuckwit Derek Acorah(90),the former star of Undead TV's Most Haunted series. "We hope Derek can help us prove the existence of all our popular ghosts and presumably track down a few more." Said Davina Donaldson(51) a council spokesperson on the matter. "No one can walk around this city after midnight and not claim it's haunted. There are some real horrors." She continued trying to sound like Bela Lugosi but looking and sounding more like Bella Emberg.

Edinburgh is renowned for its paranormal activity. The Old Town alone is said to be home to more than 3,000 ghosts. One of the more famous is supposedly the ghost of Margaret Campbell aka 'half droonded, thrice rin oer wi a lawnmower Mags' due to the method of her bizarre suicide in 1803. Her insane high pitched cackles are said to ring through the streets of the old town at 03:30 in the morning despite nobody being there other than the odd crowd of Leeds girls on a hen night. Whatever the temptation, never venture lightly into the area surrounding Calton Hill after the witching hour. For there among the bushes and trees can be heard the ghostly moans and groans of Wee Willie Lightbody. Who met his death there in 1989 when he choked on an extra large condom. Tread not with impunity around Polwarth at any time of day. For among the dreary back streets and alleyways stalks the Hairy Hound O' Gorgie hunting for it's next hapless victim. Some say it's the ghost of an enormous hunting hound seeking vengeance for the murder of it's master Tam 'welcher' McGee. Others say that it's real flesh and blood and point to the enormous amount of dog shite strewn around the pavements of Polwarth as proof of it's existence. Some say it's a load of bollocks. Who's to say who is right.

Despite the engagement and efforts of Mr. Acorah. Documentary proof of spooky goings on in Edinburgh has remained elusive. He was however undeterred in his mission. " Ghosts are very real I'm tellin yer like" He told us unconvincingly.

It's rumoured that if Mr. Acorah fails to prove the existence of any ghosts, Yvette Fielding will be drafted in. That's enough to scare the shite out of anyone.

HAIKU NEWS!!!! Just In.

2008-11-26T12:13:00.000Z

( Above Left: Slut ) (Above Right: Clearly innocent and handsome Man)

Man, Pub, Edinburgh,drunk.

Sexy girl. Short Skirt.

Man hand. Girl scream. Fight, police. Statement, "gagging for it".

Report Procurator Fiscal.

Tom Laird who cannot be named for legal reasons is 41.

Owl & Pussycat Lost at Sea

2008-11-16T14:28:00.000Z

Pictured: the two daft twats in question ... just as they set off yesterday

A nocturnal bird and a domestic feline were today thought lost at sea after setting out in an attractive emerald-coloured ocean-going vessel.

Senior Coastguard spokesman Mr David Donaldson told us, “We believe the two creatures set off with some honey and a large amount of cash, wrapped up in a £5 note. Other than that though - no sat nav, proper food, water or mobile phone. Also, it’s clear that neither of the creatures had any sailing experience. So it’s perhaps inevitable that they should have run into trouble.

“It seems the cracks first began to appear when the feline realised it did not have opposable thumbs and so could not effectively grip the oars - and they soon began to drift out into open water. Additionally, the money they were carrrying was in the form of gold coins, and it’s thought the weight of the bullion led the boat to slowly sink below the water-line, letting in water. They tried to bail out the vessel using their only source of food, said jar of honey, but with neither creature possessing a good enough grip, the venture was obviously doomed.

“Also, there’s evidence that the cat may have eaten the owl. Aren’t they natural enemies? In hindsight, it seems clear that this may have been inevitable all along. After all, if I set out to cross the Pacific Ocean accompanied by 20 quid, a hungry tiger and a jar of Marmite - I wouldn’t anticipate surviving the journey. Daft twats!”

Sir Stephen Redgrave has today put on hold his proposed trip to row across the English Channel accompanied by Freddie Kreuger, Rosemary West and a box of Pop Tarts. Sponsors of the trip, HBOS - were said to be disappointed.

Frog Falls Foul of Tough New Laws

2008-11-15T10:56:00.001Z

A Frog got on the wrong side of Lothian and Borders Police early last Thursday evening in Inverleith Park Edinburgh.

Mr. Phileas Froggy (3) was spotted riding through the popular recreational area at 18:30 hrs by A traffic patrol car and pulled over.

Sergeant Sandy Hitler (33) (No relation) had this to say about the incident affecting a posh mockney accent. " My colleague and I were carrying out an operation directed against teenage tearaways on mini moto's around the Inverleith area on Thursday last, when we observed the aforementioned amphibian riding his Harley Davidson Green Dragonfly through the public park erratically and to the reckless endangerment of other park users. On apprehending Mr. Froggy he was found to be in possession of a sword and a pistol. When questioned as to the nature of his activities he explained that he went out 'a courtin' and having been late for his rendezvous with one Miss Mouse had decided to take a shortcut through the park to save time. It being explained to Mr. Froggy that he was in contravention of the Countryside code Par3 Subsection A (vi) and the Armed Amphibians Scotland act 1998, he was cautioned and subsequently arrested and charged. Let this send a strong message that the people of Edinburgh will no longer tolerate this sort of loutish if quaint archaic behaviour."

Speaking from his pond in the back garden of 26 Arboretum Rd Mr. Froggy croaked " It's no as though they could be out catching paedophiles and murderers they have to be picking on innocent frogs going about their business. The sword happens to be an Innocent Hattori Hanzo that was a Christmas present for Miss Mouse's wee nephew, and the Pistol was a muzzle loading duelling job passed down to me by my Grandfather. Just in case Uncle Rat got the hump at me trying to nip his niece and called me out. It's hardly Al'qaeda is it? The bastards have also crushed ma bike.To top it all off the whole episode has completely ruined any chance I had of getting ma hole.

His neighbour Mr. Toad (5) offered, "I have known that laddie since he was a tadpole and he wouldn't hurt a fly. It's a shame. "The flies of the neighbourhood have however disputed this point hotly.

The law however takes a dim view of this sort of thing in light of recent tragedies, and should the hapless Froggy be convicted, he could receive the maximum 10 years. Even with the automatic half remission he could end his days behind bars.

Miss Mouse and her Uncle Rat were unfortunately unable to comment as they had both been tragically killed in a freak boating accident involving being swallowed up by a big black snake. Hmm Hmm, Hmmm Hmmm, ahaaa.

Sutcliffe Slams Clarkson

2008-11-13T22:59:00.001Z

(Above: your average lorry driver ... probably not a murderer)

Serial-murdering psycopath, keen lorry driver and so-called ‘Yorkshire Ripper’ Peter Sutcliffe today spoke out of his outrage over the Jeremy Clarkson scandal.

“Respectable lorry drivers like myself and that bloke out of the Yorkie Bar adverts were happily going about our lives, innocently listening to country & western music and whittering inane good-buddy bollocks into our CB radios until Clarkson came along with these offensive smears on our reputation. Well, granted, I wasn’t going about my innocent life. I’ve been in jail for 25 years for murderin' them prozzies for Jesus. And, okay, well now that I come to think about it - the bloke from all them Yorkie ads is a fictional character … but there must still be actual lorry drivers out there, yeah? And it’s them I feel sorry for.”

Local resident Maureen McGlinchie told us, “It’s a disgrace, is what it is. I see lorries driving past my house every day - so I know all about things like this. Clarkson just can’t get away with this sort of talk anymore. Cage the black beast, I say! He is black, isn’t he? I think he is. He’s definitely black.”

Renowned clinical psychologist Dr David Donaldson commented, “In my expert opinion, I think it’s highly unlikely that all lorry drivers in the UK are murdering prostitutes. There are over 40,000 registered HGV drivers in this country and if they were all bumping off hookers regularly, the supply would soon run out. In which case, normal, respectable women would end up taking over these prozzies’ street-pitches by night - and continuing their shift at Asda during the day. Of course, they would soon start showing signs of fatigue and confuse their roles - sucking off respectable family men in the supermarket checkout queue and offering 17% off frozen prawns to bemused lorry drivers in car parks. It’s just not likely, is what I’m saying. That’s 19,000 euros, please.”

A spokesman for Top Gear told us, “Wahoo! Our ratings have gone through the fucking roof! Ha ha ha! Eh? Peter who? Wasn’t he originally in the Beatles?”

Walk of Shame for Disgraced Beast Ross

2008-11-13T21:21:00.002Z

Disgraced multi-billionaire TV host Jonathan Ross was today seen openly walking the family pet Mr Pickles in broad daylight.

His horns, forked-tail and hooves obviously disguised under heavy make-up and special effects, the media mogul cut a jaunty, almost carefree figure as he scooped dog excrement from the pavement in a nonchalant, some might even say unrepentant manner.

“Why doesn’t he just let his dog shit in the garden, like what normal folk do?” said nearby resident Maureen McGlinchie. “It’s one rule for the rich and famous and another for the rest of us. Cage this black beast.”

Animal expert Professor David Donaldson told us, “Ross will probably come back in from the walk, take the animal’s lead off and perhaps give him a treat. He might then perhaps play with Mr Pickles for a while or watch some television. I can’t be sure what he’ll be watching - but I’m guessing whatever’s on at the time. He’ll probably check through the schedules first, that’s certainly the approach I might take. He may even make himself a cup of tea. Or coffee even. Who knows. The man's a multi-billionaire, he can drink whatever the fuck he likes. The cheeky cunt. He’s just taking the piss. I agree with Mrs McGlinchie in the previous paragraph. Cage this evil beast!”

Our team of investigative journalists managed to retrieve a sample of the excrement from a nearby doggy-bin and whisked it off for detailed analysis by forensic scientists at a leading commercial laboratory, who told us, “Well, it’s … just dog shit, isn’t it? It’s just fucking dog shit. Are you taking the piss? Bringing us a pile of fucking dog shit. What the fuck do you think we are? Do you think we’ve not got better things to do than poke around in fucking dog shit, you daft cunts?”

Ross was this afternoon unavailable for comment, which just about says it all really, doesn’t it? And his wife’s a ride. Rich jammy twat.

Fury! As Scottish Episcopal Church Ordain Christian

2008-11-13T06:14:00.001Z

(Above : Episcopal Logo)

(Right: His Lordship The Right Rev Dr. Rowan Williams MBE, D.I.S.C.O)

The Anglican communion was once again in uproar yesterday over the announcement that they ordained an openly Christian cleric as the new Bishop of Edinburgh.

The Rev. Basil Nice (43) has sparked controversy before in his 12 year career with his outlandish behaviour and his candid opinions. After being a priest for only six months in his first parish of Hamilton, he upset his flock by dismissing Astrology as "a complete load of bollocks and incompatible with the Christian world view." He then further embarrassed everyone by selling all his possessions and giving the proceeds away to a homeless shelter.

Speaking from his villa in Portugal Rev. Nice's former assistant to the Rector at Hamilton , Maj. Tim Wealthy ,explained. "We didn't see a problem at first as he can do what he likes with his own cash, but it made the rest of us feel very guilty and awkward. Then he had a go at the Masons, saying that we ought to make up our minds which religion we wanted to be in. It just isn't on.

Women's Institute organiser Elspeth Tiara-Mansion (Over 21) from his former parish in Morningside complained bitterly to the General Synod that nice had cancelled her Yoga classes and instead introduced Bible study hours. "Phewww!!! What a loony." Was the only comment she would make to The Satire this morning.

His ordination has come at a time when both Scotland's Primus and the Archbishop of Canterbury are already under fire for the appointment of George Stout as the Bishop of St. Andrews. Stout (52) astonished everyone when he came 'out' as a believer in the virgin birth and claimed the Resurrection as "a very real event." Many people have alleged to have seen him reading The Bible in a sincere manner. Local press have reported him cruising for converts in the seedier parts of towns and cities offering people forgiveness for their sins.

Meeting the very owl like Dr. Rowan Williams at Lambeth Palace earlier today I asked him frankly if this was the thin edge of the wedge. He was very concerned at the outrage over this issue . Speaking from his perch he told me. "I'm very concerned at the outrage over this issue but I have very little or no authority over the Scottish Church" He hooted and blinked revolving his head around in an impressive 360 degree sweep. "Further more, if you ask me jumping up and down and doing your nut about things is not very helpful. There are a lot of intolerant bigots out there who just can't see anybody else's point of view. Especially if those views are a bit Bible thumpy and weird. But let's face it, I mean people don't come to church to be preached to. We should forget all this dogmatic brouhaha about, 'did Jesus say this?' or 'would Jesus do that?', and just get on with the central Christian message about all being jolly nice to one and other.

Taking advantage of the Archbishop's momentary distraction by a mouse in a neighbouring field, I pressed him further as to whether or not this could split the church. "Will this split the church" I said. " Off course there will always be those who can't accept the churches teaching on things. To them I can only say,' look. Jesus had a beard and so do I....geddit? No? Right! Off course not.That's why I'm an Archbishop. And you are not.' "

The Rt Rev. Dr. Rowan Williams was appointed Archbishop of Canterbury when his predecessor Rt Rev. Dr Drew Carey left to pursue a career in an American sitcom. Unfortunately for him the voices of dissent are legion. The outspoken and controversial former Bishop of Edinburgh Dr. Richard Hologram branded Williams a "beardy tosspot", and confidently boasted that he could " take him any day." "Mark my words." He continued." This is the slippery slope to setting The Church back 2,000 years. Before you can say 'disestablishmentarianism' we will all be running around in robes and sandals healing the sick, and taking the Ten Commandments seriously. Frankly it's a total balls ache."

Richard Dawkins is 67.

Student Not Doing Gap Year

2008-11-13T04:08:00.002Z

(Above: The kind of student Japes Lucy can't be arsed with)

(Right: Lucy- not being arsed)

An Edinburgh University student has astounded all her friends at the Student Union by announcing she intends to take up employment immediately and can't be bothered her arse to go traipsing off round the world.

Lucy Fairbairn (22) had everyone aghast with her repeated assertion that she had absolutely nothing to prove and had had enough shagging and pissing it up while she was at uni.

" I had enough shagging and pissing it up while I was at uni." She confidently told The Satire, then added. "All this galavanting round the world is just an excuse not to face up to reality and get on with being an adult. Besides, I'm an attractive, sexy, well balanced and bright young women who is not at all fat arsed and frumpy with no personality. I get crates of cock right here in Edinburgh. Why would i want some chancing passport chasing Lothario from bongo bongo land pawing me and trying to make 'jiggy-jiggy'. It's ludicrous."

Penny Worthinton (23) Lucy's less attractive and slightly overweight friend disagreed and thinks she is mad. " I think she is mad. She worked bloody hard to get her law degree yeah, and now she is going to squander it by getting a job. I think she will find it difficult as most top companies these days very much expect a big gap on your CV that's full of stories about helping black people and stuff. They lap that kind of shit up you know."

Hector MacDonald (46) of Edinburgh legal firm, Shyster Macdonald & Charlatan emphatically concurred with that. " I know that we certainly would never consider taking on someone who hadn't done the gap year thing. Ideally we want someone who has swanned about the world for two. This tells us that their parents are probably wealthy and, if it's a young lady, they are probably up for it as well. You can't really go about these days bragging about your car or the size of your house as everyone will know you're a tosser. So in order to trump your mates it's all about where you've been, and what obscure ethnic groups you put up with in a hovel for weeks. I think she should reconsider."

Miss Fairbairn was as determined as ever when we spoke to her yesterday. " Look If I really want to help people there are plenty of people here I can assist. Especially with my legal skills. If it's exotic locations you are after, I will be raking it in as a lawyer so I can travel in style instead of having to tolerate a bunch of sweaty farting Australians in a grubby dorm.

Miss Fairbairn is ex directory.

Scotia Blend Launch Swarfega Tea

2008-11-12T22:39:00.002Z

(Pictured Left: Mmm Heavy Duty. Above : A chimp gives seal of approval. Right: A mug of the new blend.)

World famous Glasgow tea company Scotia Blend have sensationally thrown their hat into the highly competitive luxury flavoured tea ring, with their newly launched Swarfega Tea.

The company based in the East End of the city made the announcement yesterday at the RMT Union Club in Bridgeton, to a crowd of over 1500 cheering mechanics and 300 labourers.

"We at Scotia Blend believe that this is a landmark in our 100 year history. What better way to mark our centenary, than with a new flavour we believe will out sell Earl Grey, Chamomile and even bog standard Typhoo within a couple of years." Thundered Scotia's National Product Director Archie MacPhee into a whistling, crackling P. A system.

Frankie Douglas(26) a tyre fitter from Partick enthusiastically gave Swarfega Tea the thumbs up. He told The Satire, "This is just fantastic news. You just can't beat a manky mug of tea. It's rare. At least in the workplace that's not a problem as most of our cups and mugs are practically marinated in Swarfega, but when you get home at night you miss that. I tried bringing a bogging mug back form work but the wife went spare. This way i can enjoy tea the way i know and love it in the comfort of my own settee. Nothing quite beats the aromatic flavour, though I admit some herbal teas come close."

Asked whether the wider public outside the auto shop would wholeheartedly embrace the new product Tommy MacAvoy, Scotia's International Sales Coordinator , had this to say. " I believe so. Even when you consider labourers, sewage workers, and painters and decorators. There is a wealth of people who developed a taste for this kind of thing, while sitting for hours in a Kwick Fit waiting room as a ten minute job dragged out all day."

The Head Keeper of the Primate enclosure at Edinburgh zoo had deep reservations about the new tea however. " There's nothing a chimp loves more than a nice cup of char to stave of the stress, boredom and insanity of prolonged captivity in a confined space, as you know. Except of course masturbating frantically in front of groups of schoolkids and affronted teachers. But anyway, I have to say our monkeys loved it instantly. But it did give them the most terrible shits and we've spent all day cleaning up the mess, as well as having to hospitalise three of the buggers. It makes life so much harder for the keepers. The kids love it though."

Scotia Blend are unfazed by this though as most mechanics have a much stronger constitution than chimps. So confident are the company in the success of the venture that they already have a whole range of follow up products in the pipeline including:

Swarfega Tea with a hint of diesel oil
Swarfega Tea with white bits
Decaf Swarfega Tea with overpowering saccharine
Turpentine Coffee
Sugar with big brown lumps through it

As well as the new flavours Scotia have also announced a new line of accessories such as chipped, heavily tannin stained, greasy mugs. Sugar and powdered milk encrusted spoons, and a range of Titty Calenders with big grubby fingermarks and badly drawn cocks.

(Editor's Note: If you are a small child worried about the fate of Coco, Smeato and Banjo. Fear not. The zoo assure us that Coco is coming round, and two new baby chimps are currently being tranquilized and crated up in Burundi as we write this.)

Madonna Set to Adopt Guy Ritchie

2008-11-11T15:40:00.001Z

In the latest shock development in her seperation from husband Guy Ritchie, Madonna (80) has announced that she will first divorce Ritchie (19) and then adopt him as one of her children.

It is thought that as part of the settlement Ritchie will be required to wear short trousers, only speak when spoken to and will have to ask permission before being excused from the dinner table. Most importantly though, he will have to get Madonna’s written permission before making any more of his really fucking shitty movies.

If he agrees to all of the terms, Ritchie stands to gain a cool £150 a week spending money - and that’s not including money for sweets and video games which are included as special weekend treats! She also plans to implement the ‘gold-star for good behaviour’ reward system she used so succesfully with both Lourdes and Rocco, though they are both now thought to have outgrown it.

Talentless mockney fuckwit Ritchie was said to be delighted with the settlement and told our reporter, ‘Strewth, lummy guvnur strike a light. I’s proper chuffed and no mistake, cor blimey so I am’ before continuing his round of croquet with Lord and Lady Asquith.

When our reporter cornered Madonna outside her private courthouse she barked, ‘ what’s it to you, sonny? I’ll adopt you too if you don’t watch out!’ She then made a scary face* and marched off triumphantly.

*I think you mean, ‘an even more scary face’ - ed.

Ayrshire Man Finds Richard Digance Funny

2008-11-11T00:55:00.001Z

( Above: A typical reaction to one of Digance's hilarious monologues on Countdown)

(Left: Richard Digance in a pose designed to lead you to believe he hitchhikes round his UK tour like a troubadour. Out of Shot: His Jaguar )

A 48 year old man from Mauchline has astounded family, friends and the Nation alike by claiming he finds Richard Digance "very amusing."

The shock revelation came about when Davey Spiers was round at his in laws last Tuesday afternoon. Mr. Spiers's Mother in Law, Grace Collins (68) explained to The Satire.

" The whole family were round and the kids were not long in from the school. I just settled down with a cup of tea and a Carmel wafer to watch Countdown when yon Richard Digance came on to do one of his stories about his dog. I lifted the Remote to switch it over when Davey shouted, 'no leave him he's quite amusing at times!' Well I'll tell you, you could have heard a tenner drop. We all just stared at him incredulously as he went on to say, ' No seriously, he's a real hoot just listen.' He then proceeded to piss himself laughing as Digance droned on for what seemed like an eternity about squirrels and nuts and how much cleverer his dog was than him, which at least sounded plausible. It was surreal. He didn't sing though so thank the Lord for small mercies."

The news quickly spread about the village like wildfire, then to neighboring villages and then pretty soon the phone lines here at The Satire were jammed as thousands of people called to report the phenomena. The Satire's top reporter called Charlie, Charles "Charlie" Mingles, had this to say about the incredible discovery.

" People who have never heard of me in this small dreary backwater, that doesn't sell decent coffee and took me half a day to find. Have been in a state of total shock at the fact they are suddenly in the news and for all the wrong reasons. Before Digancegate, the media had only ever mentioned Mauchline in light of an obituary or an occasional chip pan fire. Last Tuesday just after tea time, all that tragically changed."

Richard Digance (60) the self styled "Master of Nostalgic Comedy"(many have quipped that he makes you wish Arthur Askey was still alive), came to prominence on returning to the U.K in the 70's from touring America . Whilst there he had supported Steve Martin, appearing down the bill in between a Marcel Marceau impersonator and Jurgen Hoddler and his Yodelling Youngsters. A Swiss version of The Osmonds that played alpine horns. Digance died on his arse. Back in the U.K Digance became known for his TV "specials", 'A Dabble with Digance' (BBC 1984), 'Abracadigance' (BBC 1988), 'Indegestdigance' (QVC 1991) and 'A Dental visit with Digance' (Radio St. Kilda 2005).

Despite his many many detractors, some of whom claim he makes Giles Brandreth seem like Bill Hicks at his best , Digence has built up quite a follower in England. Many suspect he works for Channel 4, where Digance controversially beat off a challenge from Frank Bruno for the coveted 'Dictionary Corner' guest slot on Countdown, alongside that bird who's not Carol Vorderman. Many insiders on the show claim that is the reason behind the sharp exit of Des Lynam from the programme and that Carol Vorderman turned down another £6,000,000 rather than "have to pretend to laugh at one more single fucking turgid anecdote from the twat." Even Des O'Conner who would snap his farting strings at the sight of a gate swinging has remained steadfastly poker faced at Digance's feeble attempts at repartee. Prompting, Some say, his intended departure from Countdown leaving C4 struggling to find another presenter called Des. Former Countdown cameraman Ed Hollings told The Satire ."It has even been known for Rick Wakeman to have Carol giggling her knickers off for fucksakes, but Digance struggles for a forced smile. His sodding Alsatian would make a better guest."

One man however remains firmly in Digance's camp. " I think he's an uproar." Claimed Davey at his home yesterday. " You should have heard the one he told yesterday, about dropping his spoon in a cafe then having to get ano....................." He trailed off as our man Mingles lost the will to live.

Richard Digance was unavailable for comment as he was on a cruise ship.

Thank Fuck!!!

Dangerous New Toy On Shelves

2008-11-10T14:24:00.001Z

The governement was today warning of a dangerous new Christmas toy on the shelves, which could damage children if played with in the wrong way.

The Fisher-Price ‘Hattori Hanzo’ samurai sword can slice a man in two with just one blow - but the manufacturers say that used sensibly it can bring even very young children hours of fun.

Company spokesperson Davie Donaldson told us, ‘This news scare is just nonsense. Under proper supervision, the ‘Hattori Hanzo’ samurai sword can be used by children between 3-7 years to harmlessly slice tin cans, furniture and pets clean in two! The very idea that they would use it on themselves or their parents is patently absurd.’

This is the second of such scares in as many years. Last year Fisher-Price released their controversial baby-garrote, inspired by an episode of The Sopranos.

A spokesman for The Trading Standards Office told us, ‘ This is all part of the tradition at this time of year. We know it’s the run up to Christmas when these crazy scare stories start to appear. Besides, only a handful of working-class babies strangled their mothers last year - and most of them were lone parents. So I really don’t know what all the fuss is about.’

Puppy Sales Up 300 Percent

2008-11-09T19:06:00.001Z

Sales of puppies have gone up 300% in Scotland since Barack Obama’s historic acceptance speech earlier in the week.

Heavily-overweight, unattractive housewife Maureen McGlinchie told us, ‘I’m very gullible and believe all my problems will be solved by buying a puppy. Just like yon coloured-fella who works in the White House.’

Unfortunately, the increase in new puppy sales has been exactly cancelled out by folk taking back their old puppies.

Heavily-overweight, unattractive housewife Maureen MCGlinchie told us, ‘ I’m very gullible and was so inspired by yon coloured fella’s speech about change that I decided to swap the puppy for a new DVD-recorder instead. I’m still not happy. Cage the black beast, I say.’

Kirkcaldy Finally Returns Brown's Calls

2008-11-08T23:16:00.001Z

( Above: Gordon Brown: Making an arse of things at a BNP meeting by mistake. And: Wee Gordy: Dogging double Maths in his Youth)

After nearly two years, almost 19,000 texts and a staggering 8,000 messages left on answering machines, Kirkcaldy has finally acknowledged the PM.

Kirkcaldy's Provost Gerry MacFlounder seated underneath a giant makeshift picture of the PM, speaking exclusively, and a bit like private Fraser from Dads Army, to The Satire explained.

"We all love Gordon here in Kirkcaldy. He's frae here ye ken that son? We're a' affy proud o him.

His faither wis a meenister ye ken. Oh aye we're a fond o' oor Gordy as we like to call him again round this wiy."

These comments were echoed through the streets and amusement arcades of the Kingdom of Fife's bustling metropolis today from young and old alike. Mrs Margaret McHairnet(58) said of him, "Mister Broon is an inspiration to my four grandsons who all took up heroin addiction during his tenure. Thanks to him there's no shortage of squats for them to live in. A blessing on his sonsie face.......Dae ye fancy a shag son? £ 10."

Wattie Payton(23), speaking outside one of the towns many new Cash Converter stores proclaimed. "We were all shite-ing a brick there for a while, thinking that Kirkcaldy's favourite son might be a bit of an erse as well as making a giant cunt of the economy an that, but thanks to what ever it was he done we all think he is great again." Behind him the entire population of Kirkcaldy broke out in a huge chorus of "A Gordon for me."

Things however, were not always thus. Barely 3 months ago it was near impossible to find a single soul in Fife let alone Kirkcaldy to even let on he existed.

"Gordon who? Brown...brown....brown...mmm no definately no. Try next door." Said his parents from the steps of their humble manse.

Unconfirmed reports from sources inside Kirkcaldy Town Hall claimed that the phone was "ringing off the hook day and night. We all knew it was him, even though he would withold his number and sometimes even pretend to be a double glazing salesman to anyone stupid enough to pick up the receiver. We were under strict instructions to rubber ear the cunt. "

Provost MacFlounder nervously laughed off the allegations. "Not at all, not at all." He quipped while scrubbing anti Brown graffiti off the Town hall steps. "That was all a big misunderstanding. We thought it was another Prime Minister Gordon Brown from Kirkcaldy entirely."

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment as he was on a Giant yacht with Duncan Bannatyne and some Russians.

Local Woman Claims Satire Saved Her Life

2008-09-08T18:00:00.000+01:00

( Pictured: a non-digitally-enhanced photo of the woman in question)

by science editor, Dr Charles Mingles

A Kirkcaldy woman has contacted us here at The Satire to inform us that merely by having our site on her favoured blogs listings, her terminal illness has completely disappeared.

This doesn't surprise us here at The Satire, as we've long been aware of the healing power of laughter. One of our junior staff fondly remembers being kicked unconscious by the school bully every morning and its associated recuperative effects.

'As he repeatedly battered me in the bollocks with his size 12 black brogues and I slowly drifted off into unconsciousness, I remember noticing the rest of the school standing behind him laughing uncontrollably. What wonderful healing power that laughter must have had. I hardly ever need to use my adult incontinence pants these days.'

The Satire today makes a pledge to you, our loyal readers. Merely by putting a link to our site on your own, we guarantee that any afflictions you are suffering from will instantly and miraculously disappear.

And ladies, just touching the screen whilst viewing The Satire site for a few minutes every day, can increase your breast size by up to 8 cup-sizes. So please do use this power wisely*

Additionally, you can hold batteries and watches towards the screen and repeat loudly three times the mantra, 'Oh sweet mighty lords of mirth and frivolity, please heal this consumer durable.'

For maximum healing-power, this works best if you are standing on your desk and are surrounded by workmates pointing and laughing.

Remember, the power of laughter may be awesome. But the power of ridicule can move mountains.

(* this pledge is entirely worthless. We can't even get our paragraphs to look right - ed)

Man Gets Served in Scotmid.

2008-08-20T22:56:00.001+01:00

51 Year old Hugh MacTackle was jubilant yesterday after having being served in his local Scotmid in only a breathtaking 49 minutes. The champagne flowed at his Stockbridge home this evening at a soiree he organised to celebrate his good fortune.

"You read about these things and see them on telly" he said, "but it's always something that happens to someone else not you. I just couldn't believe my luck, even after I got home with my shopping I had to sit down and stare at my receipt. It just didn't seem real, I kept pinching myself but there it was in black and white. 'Served by Toby at 17:40. A staggering 49 minutes and 10 seconds after I stood in the queue for the checkout. To make things even more incredible there were at least another two people in front of me with about eight items between them. I myself had 6 items, two of which were from the bargain shelf, so that the student serving me had to input those long bar codes by hand. What are the odds? I was so pleased I phoned my sister in Australia to give her the news, but she thought It was one of my pranks and told me to piss off then hung up"

One of Hugh's fellow shoppers was not so enamoured however. Mrs Isa McGirdle (65) Lamented.

"I had been standing at the till for an hour while someone was fart arsing around with the lottery machine. They kept ringing and ringing that sodding bell underneath the counter but still no bugger turned up. Then this disinterested spotty student sauntered over to the other faraway till ,and said in an almost inaudible voice 'I'll take you over here please'. The bloody mile long queue disintegrated and I ended up last. Worst of all I was only buying a shagging tin of beans. Scotmid can kiss my wrinkled arse."

Scotmid were quick to capitalise on Mr. MacTackles good fortune however. Store Manager Mr. Roman Polanski (17) said,

" We are super happy with Mr. MacTackle and his happy day. We like to give very much super customer service. Thank you so much."

This is the second time in one year that Hugh has had a windfall.

" Yes it's extraordinary but true. A couple of months back I phoned the Citizens Advice Bureau in Dundas St. about a financial matter and someone answered the phone in just 5 and a half hours. It was only the cleaner however, but she did take my details at least and someone phoned me back in a month."

Asked what he would do with his new found lucky streak an ecstatic Mr. MacTackle ventured,

"Oh God I don't know, it's all so sudden. I think I might try getting served in a nightclub."

He laughed and laughed.......

Airline In Heterosexual Recruitment Drive.

2008-08-19T00:38:00.001+01:00

Left: Typical Cabin Crew Below: Some heterosexual men.

A Scottish airline is to sensationally lead the way in appointing heterosexual men to cabin crew positions it was revealed to The Satire today in yet another coup for your favourite online news source.

Auld Scotia Airways based at the confusingly titled Glasgow Prestwick airport announced that they would team up with Straight lobby group Brickwall to recruit more heteros and encourage straight air stewards to be more open about their sexuality.

Until the late nineties straight men were banned from cabin crew jobs for fear they would try to shag all the stewardesses or would want to spend time with family. Straight men who wanted to take to the skies as a steward had to affect effeminate behaviour and mince about trying not to look at birds arses.

The drive to recruit more ethnic minorities to these posts has been active for some time, but the airlines targeting of the straight male community will come as something of a surprise to many. Brickwall, who are being paid by Auld Scotia, are also giving advice on how to create a working environment in which straight stewards can feel comfortable about 'coming out.'

Spokesman for Brickwall Peter Tadger commented, "In the past heterosexual staff were nervous about revealing their orientation to colleagues because it could have led to claims that they acted gay at their interviews. Auld Scotia have taken the first step to dragging the airline industry into modern Britain." Tadger who controversially attacked Peter Mandelsohn with a rolled up copy of Razzle last year added, "there is however a long way to go. There are many other airlines out there still exclusively stewarded by cock jocks."

Some current employees of the airline were not as enthusiastic about the new policy. Dorian Andrews(21), a senior steward who insisted on being named, told The Satire while pulling a face that looked like Graham Norton smelling a fart, "This is absolutely disgusting. It's the thin end of the wedge. Before you know it the next thing they will want is to be hairdressers, fashion designers and BBC producers. It's just not on. All I can say is they better not come near any of my stewardesses. It's not normal."

Frankie Douglas(20), formerly an Electrician from Partick, is the first openly straight steward to join the airline and cheerfully told The Satire, "I am totally chuffed at getting the job, although I have had such a slagging from my mates telling me to sew my arsehole up and asking me if I will be serving "large ones" and all that shite. But I can take it." He was then distracted by a big titted trolley dolly bending over the check in desk. "PHHHhhhhhhWWWWooooaaarrrr!!!!!!" he growled while brandishing his fist in a phallic gesture. " I cant wait to brush past her in the aisle."

Auld Scotia have been inundated with applications.

Controversial US Exorcist To Visit Scotland

2008-08-15T17:05:00.001+01:00

(Pictured: Top, Bob Larson. Above. A photo of the Smugness Demon captured using special photography)

Controversial American Exorcist Bob Larson has announced he plans to visit Scotland next month to exorcise a few of our demons - and he's starting with the First Minister.

Speaking on the telephone this morning, Larson told us, 'Why, lordy lordy I've seen this man on my television set and the Smugness Demon is possessing him something awful, so it is, lordy lordy and no mistake, y'all'

He then went on to site a few more instances of the damned and possessed amongst the Scottish establishment. According to Larson, Jackie Bird is possessed by a giant pteradactyl which compels her to write terrible sitcoms and to believe she is sexually attractive to men under the age of sixty. Whilst Jackie sleeps, the terrible beast awakens from its slumber and flies round the room practicising its alluring grimace and trying on sexy underwear.

And that's not all. Larson has also singled-out Scots TV presenter Nicky Campbell as being possessed by the 'Patronising twat' Demon.

And according to Larson, the entire City of Glasgow has been under the power of the 'Weegie' Demon for literally centuries.

Larson told us, 'Glaswegians are actually very camp effete sorts, lordy lordy, I do declare. But for hundreds of years now a Demon of obesity, tedious humour and irritating people by talking to them at bus stops when they just want a quiet fucking life - has possessed the good people of the city. I intend to rid them of this terrible curse and no mistake, yessir indeed!'

Larson is a controversial figure in the US, having amassed a fortune from his work and recently exposed a journalist for being possessed by the 'Finding me in bed with a prostitute' Demon. And another for being under the power of the 'Realising my head looks like an engorged cock covered in Brillo Pads' Demon.

Neither Alex Salmond, Jackie Bird or any of the fair people of Glasgow were available for comment, but Larson's crusade continues.

'My crusade continues,' he told us.'Praise the Lord and pass another slice of that them there pumpkin pie, lordy lordy, yessir indeed ..' etc.

The Truth Is Out There and It's Fan-Dabi-Dozi!

2008-08-04T15:14:00.001+01:00

Mulder &Scully watch horrified at old episodes of Crackerjack. The Krankies....Scary.

One of Scotland's top comedy
acts has landed a part in the planned X-Files movie sequel due for release in January 2010.

The Krankies (real names Ian and Janette Pishflap) beat off severe competition from big industry names such as, Jim Bowen, Alan Stewart, Andy Gray and Grant Stott. Also rumoured to be in the running were Ben Kingsley, Sir Ian McKellen and that bloke off of the Halifax adverts. The news comes as no surprise to Krankie fans who were jubilant yesterday when it was announced Ian and Janette had secured the part. One middle aged fan who refused to give his name because he was under a social services supervision order, and shouldn't have been near the swing park adjacent to The Satire's office when we caught up with him, enthused...

" Wee Jimmy Krankie is ma favourite comedy character of all time and his face is all over ma bedroom wall. I for one can't wait for the film to come out." He then made some comments unfit for copy and darted off.

This reporter managed to contact Mr. Krankie at Motherwell Civic Center where he and Wee Jimmy are in rehearsals for the upcoming summer run of Dean Park's "Big Variety Night Oot." Alongside Stan Boardman and a Fran & Anna tribute act. When asked how he felt about being awarded the part he said" Janette and I are absolutely thrilled and delighted to be in the movie alongside Davy Dickoff and Moira Anderson (sic). Especially Janette who is a big fan of Scooby Doo and Rentaghost an thae kind of things. I am also particularly pleased to have beaten that smug twat Andy Gray who stole My TV Quick award for "Best Widow Twankie" last year. In your face Gray! I rule!!!!Seriously I was gutted by that. I thought it was in the bag and even the Evening Times was ready to lead with 'Krankie King of the Twankies'. Bastard."

Janette was unavailable for comment as it was past her bedtime.

Film Industry bigwigs are keeping it tight about what the role will be. However one insider told The Satire. " As usual Wee Jimmy has the main part. Basically they play the part of a father and son on holiday in America when aliens strike and abduct Wee Jimmy. There's an hilarious scene where they are trying to catch him and he is running around the room trying to escape and running under and through their legs, kicking them up the arse and stuff. Then one of the creature puts its spindly hand on his head and holds him at arms length, as he flails and windmills his arms trying to batter it. Priceless! The aliens are then completely baffled when they do an autopsy and discover that he is in fact a 61 year old women. They then wipe her mind of the experience and let her go. Of course everyone then thinks that Ian has done her in and no one believes his abduction malarkey except Agent Mulder. Later when they are searching a house for Wee Jimmy he is in fact behind them making faces the whole time. It's very dark and disturbing."

Undoubtedly The Krankies owe their break to the success of Scottish King of comedy Billy Connolly. In the latest X-Files offering, Billy plays the part of a paedophile priest who has the second sight and talks exactly like the Rev. I.M Jolly.

" The great thing about you Scotch is that Americans can't understand your accent so can't really tell when your a shit actor." Said a big Hollywood director through a funnel shaped thing.

Kraze Twins Terrorise Glasgow's East End!

2008-08-04T11:12:00.002+01:00

(Pictured. Above left: The Kraze Twins ruled the mean streets of Glasgow with a rod of iron and a plastic hoop. Right: Exhibit A. Ronnie's weapon of choice)

Today You Super Soaraway Scottish Satire! publishes the first extract from the autobiography of Reggie Kraze, who with his evil brother Ronnie, ran the mean streets of Glasgow throughout the 70's and 80's ....

Ronnie and I had always been mad on the latest craze that came out and our dear mother Violet made sure we wanted for nothing, God rest her delicate almighty soul. (She's not dead, just in a nursing home. But she's lost it, poor deluded cow)

Our dear old mum was always first in the toy shop queue when the new craze came out. Hula hoops, skateboards, scooters, we had them all and wanted for nothing. So it's perhaps appropriate that, when our reign of terror on the streets of Glasgow began, we should use as our weapons of choice, our much-beloved childhood toys.

Also, what with being called The 'Kraze' Twins is seemed natural to capitalise on this lucky bit of punnery. (I myself love word-play and, after a hard day's torture, there's nothing I love better than sitting down with a good Giles Brandreth or Richard Stilgoe book of humour. Marvelous.)

I remember well my first time interrogating a man who owed me money using a pogo-stick and a pair of clackers. He cracked almost immediately and the word got round, 'Don't mess with The Kraze Twins, they've got scooters, slinkies, all sorts, and they're not afraid to use them.'

But I think it was when Ronnie first killed a man using a space hopper that our reputation really took off. The lad in question, Mad Davie Donaldson, was the muscle in a rival gang and was a tough nut himself, God bless him. So it took Ronnie seven hours of repeated beating with the hopper to finally finish him off.

Ronnie was always such a kid at heart. I remember to this day watching him inbetween beatings, bouncing up and down on the space hopper, bits of teeth and brains all over the thing and Ronnie skidding on the blood-soaked floor as he played away, happy as a sandboy.

He was a gentle giant with the heart of a saint and I miss him very dearly ( Okay, he's not actually dead either, just in Barlinnie Special Unit. But he takes it up the shitter and I haven't spoken to him for 15 years, the evil noncing scum)

Inevitably, in the 90's with the rise of computer games, our days were numbered. Rival gangs started to flood in from Japan and Eastern Europe with the latest Nintendos and what have you.

We did try to compete for a while, but it's not nearly so easy to intimidate someone with a SuperMario Games consol, I don't care what they say. You end up resorting to mere verbal goading, 'I've heard it told on the street that you canny even make it to level three you muppet!' and so on. It's not the same and we couldn't compete.

We eventually retired and left the streets to these new lads. I found out later that these new gangs weren't actually using computer games at all. But knives, guns, enforced prostitution and protection rackets. I wish we'd thought of that.

But we had our day and it was glorious while it lasted. You can't go back, as they say. I still have all my old toys, battered and bruised and blood-stained they may be, but every one has a story to tell and I keep them for sentimental value. Plus, my little 7-year-old grandson Tyson loves to hear all grandad's old stories, the gorier the better. God bless him.

Church Of Scotland Minister Slammed For Using The 'G' Word

2008-07-31T16:57:00.001+01:00

(Pictured: The controversial cleric relaxes at his Morningside home)

A Church of Scotland minister was today suspended after rashly using the 'G' word in one of his weekly sermons.

The Minister, Reverend Michael Meekie of Kirkcaldy Parish Church used the term casually in his regular themed Sunday sermon on 'Doing unto others ...'

A senior spokesman for the Church told us, ' I don't know what Meekie was thinking. It's okay to refer to god indirectly of course and in private. There's no way round that one, unfortunately.

'But we never use the term directly, if we can help it, and certainly never in church! The punters would run like blazes. We prefer instead to let them think it's all about the cakes, the jumble sales and shite newsletters.

'If they thought for a second that G.O.D had anything to do with it they'd flee like rats, and we'd all be fucked. I need this job. there's bugger all else I'm qualified for. Leave the religion to the Catholics, that's what I say'

ill-informed commentators, attempting to take their minds of their own miserable lives, immediately began calling for Mr Meekie's resignation and public execution. Whilst members of his parish were quickly seen to rally round and had this evening gathered outside his Morningside home to openly burn effigies of the obviously evil bearded heretic.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was quick to capitalise on the incident. ' I knew Meekie was scum,' he told us. ' The man's despicable masterplan has obviously been to bring down the country from within and his diabolical, hook-handed, medieval ways have almost brought this country to its knees with bankruptcy. Thankfully, now that he is in chains, we can go forward into the bright future as one nation. Five more years!'

He was then led away by his nurse.

Mr Meekie is said to be considering his position and was today unavailable for comment.

Roslin Institute Set To Begin Salmond Farming At Loch Fyne

2008-07-31T14:19:00.001+01:00

(Pictured: A Commercial Salmond Pen. And an earlier attempt gone wrong.)

The World Famous Roslin Institute is to begin commercial Salmond farming in Argyle a top Boffin announced yesterday.

The Institute also amusingly known as "The Royal (Dick)School of Veterinary Studies based at the University of Edinburgh ,announced the ambitious plans at a press conference yesterday afternoon.

Roslin Institute famous for cloning Dolly the sheep claimed the project would be a roaring international success story. According to the institutes chief egghead Prof. Donald McKillop

"The demand for Salmond on the International market has risen exponentially over the last 2 years and in order to keep up with that demand we have to farm Salmond intensively."

There seems to be no doubt Salmond is a highly popular dish both here and abroad due to its good taste and resilience to adverse conditions. However The Institute came under heavy criticism from government bodies and the press alike when an earlier attempt to popularise Salmond resulted in impotency in the subject, and Salmond completely disappeared from the menu for years. Prof. McKillop conceded. "That was indeed a setback but despite the criticism we got it right this time. Salmond is very definitely here to stay.

Others are not so convinced. A spokesman for the Brown Party said

" We oppose the intensive farming of Salmond, we acknowledge that it is a popular creature and cant help admire its vitality, demonstrated by it's exuberant leaps and huge splashes. But it is also expensive and pretentious and we believe the novelty will soon wear off. You just can't go tinkering around playing God."

Despite the nay saying the popularity of wild Salmond continues to rise and Roslin claims it has the answer. " In A few years a Salmond will be at every table round the world" said the Professor, peering over the top of his glasses in a superior fashion. "You can't hold back scientific progress forever.

Despite the seeming success a similar project with the Sturgeon has been shelved indefinitely.

Spanish Plot Exposed!!

2008-07-30T17:17:00.001+01:00

The Myth...Latin beauty The harsh reality......harridan

A Spanish conspiracy to Export all of their unattractive and unpleasant women to Scotland was sensationally uncovered by an amateur investigator in Edinburgh recently.

Tom Laird a sometime contributor to The Satire gave us this exclusive report yesterday. Speaking from an undisclosed location and heavily disguised as a drunken deadbeat Tom unfolded the results of his painstaking 3 year investigation into the shocking truth of Spain's spiteful covert war. " I have been to Spain, it's a very beautiful country and I know first hand that there are a plethora of gorgeous dark Latin lovelies there. " He said speaking slowly and deliberately, with a hint of regret and anger in his quivering, manly and attractive voice.

"But 3 years ago I started to become suspicious of the amount of sheer munters that seemed to be arriving from there in droves to haunt the highways and byways of our fair city. I thought to myself that there was no way this could be happening by accident. It had to be a conspiracy. I decided to investigate and was horrified by what I uncovered."

According to Laird there is conclusive and irrefutable circumstantial evidence that Spain is not only preventing congenial and good looking women from traveling abroad, but are deliberately encouraging all their specky bucktoothed harridans to move to Scotland.

"Oh it's an established fact" claimed Laird emphatically." There are at least three large government sponsored agencies involved in this outrage. They are based in Madrid, Barcelona and Bilbao. Women who express a desire to travel are rounded up and taken to these processing centers in trucks under the cover of darkness. There, any women who are remotely good natured, funny or sexy are weeded out.

They do this by showing them Nazi type propaganda films on the horrors of traveling abroad where they will be instantly raped and murdered on arrival. Then it gets really sinister. All the ugly and obnoxious ones are then immediately processed. This involves indoctrination in Stalinist neo feminism and issuing them a uniform consisting of a big thick unfashionable pair of specks, a horrible out sized green chunky knit sweater, a pair of manky jeans, and a pair of silly shoes that are very uncomfortable so as to make them even crabbier. Then they fuck about with their hair to make it extremely unkempt and dye it a terrible burgundy colour. Finally they are given money and a false boyfriend. Usually an emasculated beardy prick who likes The Beautiful South. Then they are flown directly to Edinburgh."

Amazingly Laird claims that all Spanish ports and airports are carefully monitored by a shadowy organisation known as La Policia d'espoilers who will prevent any unauthorised woman leaving the country. He is however unsure of Spain's motives.

" I know the what and where but not the why. I assume it could be revenge for the fact we send so many drunken arseholes over there....or it might be about Gibraltar. Who knows ..but you only have to look at that fucking monstrosity of a parliament they built at Holyrood to realise the cunts have definitely got it in for us."

The Spanish Embassy have ominously refused to comment.

Kilt Controversy

2008-07-29T15:24:00.000+01:00

A row broke out at Grangemouth Sports and Leisure Complex on Saturday when a man was refused entry in a kilt.

Proud Scot Dougie Archibald fumed " I'm a true and proud Scot as you can see and I wear my kilt everywhere. I like nothing better than demonstrating my patriotism and love for my country by cheerfully and traditionally sliding down the flumes in The Plaid. It gives me a great thrill. I can't see why the fascists at the baths in Grangemouth have a problem. Rumour has it that the manager is English and that would explain a lot."

Gary Jones the Manager of the complex gave his side of the story. Speaking exclusively to The Satire he explained " look I'm not even English I'm Welsh. I'm married to a Scotch Lass and my kids are Scotch. This has nothing to do with racism and everything to do with a hairy arsed lout flagrantly getting his jollies by exposing his tackle to all and sundry. He's always at it. There are kids on those flumes for God's sakes."

Local SNP activist Donny McMurdo was unimpressed with that however and waded in.

" It's a well known fact that the Welsh are practically English, and that they fought against us at Bannockburn and Falkirk. They are obviously jealous of our proper parliament and our kilts and try to copy everything we do. I will be taking this to the European court of human rights. It's blatant racial discrimination.No wonder it's still legal to kill a Welshman in Chester."

Today Dougie Archibald remained defiant and vowed to continue sliding down the flumes with abandon.

" No sheepshagging druid troglodyte is going to stop me from exercising my democratic right to wear my national dress. He can piss off back to his own country and stop being racist."

A report is being sent to the Procurator Fiscal.

Credit Crunch Hits Street Vendors

2008-07-29T13:30:00.001+01:00

Argyle St. was in uproar yesterday at the dismal news that Big Macaroon bars and the famed "last of the White Socks" would no longer be two for a pound now.

" It's a scandal" spat Mrs Ina McTights(21)struggling to contain her rage, "I'm a pensioner and have very few pleasures in life now that I can't afford batteries. If I cant even afford the odd big bar of Macaroon then whats the point? I would gas maself if I could afford the bill."

A disappointed Archie McFail(43) also vented his spleen. " I have to tuck my trackie bottoms into a pair of old fishing socks these days. They are green. It just looks daft. Thatcher has a lot to answer for."

Many vendors were reluctant to comment yesterday, but one Shugie Weasel agreed to speak to us.

" Look" said Mr. Weasel glancing furtively about. " I don't like it anymore than anyone else. I used to be able to shout 'two for a pound', now its two for £1.13 it just disnae work. It's events ma man. The price of breaking and entering these days is literally through the roof, an ye just cannae bribe truck drivers wi a couple of packets of fags anymare. Talkin aboot fags, are ye interested in 200 Marlboro lights?"

This is the first price rise in 30 years in the renowned Glasgow thoroughfare. A few people however actually welcomed the news.

"Thank Christ" said Frankie Douglas(40), an electrician from Partick. "Maybe they will all piss off. I mean how many pairs of socks can someone go through, an was there ever any real requirement for Big Macaroon bars?"

Number 10 downing street issued the following statement today.

" The Prime Minister and the New Labour government deplore this opportunistic rise in the price of street goods. Especially Big Macaroon bars that the PM was very fond of as he was always losing the wee ones down the back of the couch. This is the very kind of issue that Gordon Brown is committed to tackling, and indeed would if he could find his arse with both hands. We now call upon the press to leave us alone. It's not our fault."

Neither the public nor the vendors will take any comfort in that.

TV Historian to Wed Dead Scots Hero

2008-07-29T11:48:00.000+01:00

Popular Scots TV Historian Louise Buxom shocked viewers last night by announcing she plans to marry the dead Scottish folk hero William Wallace.

Curvaceous Buxom (42) announced the intended nuptials at the end of her popular Scottish history show last night on satellite tv station BBC Scotia.

The comely Buxom is popular with viewers for her tales of brave kilted heroes, and for peppering the stories with her own particular brand of fruity innuendo.

And the bootylicious history buff is regularly heard to remark upon what a big strapping fellow Wallace must have been and how she'd ' ... love to cuddle up to his fine big bannocks on a cauld crofter's nicht!' etc.

Regular viewers were said to be shocked and amused in equal measure. Though to be fair, the ones we spoke to seemed both bored and disinterested in far higher proportions.

But alaying fears, the risque thick-set spinster cackled, ' I don't know whit all the fuss is aboot. Michty me, I've had the big laudie's cock in a jar on my dressing table for years. I bought it on ebay.

'This is just the logical next step in a healthy and loving modern relationship.' said the clearly unhinged and soon to be unemployed mad woman.

(Photo above: Buxom outside her Morningside home yesterday. Sponsored by ebay)

Scottish Man Sues Mother For Wanking Shame

2008-07-29T07:29:00.000+01:00

A Fife man has taken his own mother to the European Court of Human Rights for the mental torture suffered during his youth.

The Cowdenbeath man who wishes to remain anonymous says he is traumatised by the fact that his mother must have known that he was wanking like a mechanical chimp all through his adolescence - and yet said nothing!

Speaking out for the first time, he told us yesterday, ' I didn't realise she'd even noticed until a friend pointed out she would have had to fold my sheets with a mallet. And would undoubtedly have found the grumble-encrusted knickers I stole off my next-door-neighbour's washing-line (lovingly hidden under my pillow) whenever she changed the sheets.'

' It never ever occured to me that, for all those years she must have known, until Fat Davie told me in the pub last week' he told us. 'I'm mortified.'

A member of the Mother's Association commented, ' What an arse. They're all like that in Cowdenbeath. Wankers. But this is a sensitive family issue and we would rather not comment further. ' She then burst out laughing and phoned all her friends.

A spokesman for The European Court Of Human Rights told us, ' This is utterly ridiculous and a total waste of time. I don't even need to take this one to court. The poor man! I can tell you right now, we'll be finding in his favour and offering considerable damages. His mother may even be guilty of Wank Crimes, although I might just have made that one up.'

He then banged that wooden thing on his desk, adjusted his wig comically like in the films and told an assembled crowd ' Case dismissed!'

(Photo above: The outraged neighbour yesterday)

Gordon Brewer Not Dead

2008-07-29T02:45:00.002+01:00

The BBC is in mourning today at the shock news Gordon Brewer is still alive.

Tributes are pouring in from friends and colleagues said to be distraught by the news.

"We are distraught by the news" said an insider at Queen Margaret Drive who didn't want to be named for reasons of embarrassment. "We thought that Gordon was brown bread years ago but apparently and unbelievably he's still on Newsnight Scotland."

Brewers' family were last night being comforted by friends and relatives who rallied round, and were unavailable for comment. However a spokesman for the family said. "Please respect the fact that they are in grave shock as you can imagine. Realising that your loved one is not at all pushing up daisies is bad enough, but it's insult to injury to be made aware that he is still in fact presenting a shite regional news show. They just can't take it in."

The alarming fact that Brewer wasn't dead was discovered when John Mcwhirter(64) a night watchman from Largs, fell asleep during "Real Newsnight" and woke to find the presenter "wittering on about the plight of the fishing industry. I thought it was old footage from years ago, but imagine how aghast I was when Alex Salmond came on live from Holyrood talking about Gordon Brown making an arse of things and that." Mr McWhirter then phoned an incredulous BBC to break the news that Brewer had "done a Lazarus".

Gordon Brewers' colleagues at Real Newsnight gave touching tributes. Jeremy Paxman lamented "It is a sad day for British journalism. We all thought that Gordon had gone to a better place, but now it seems he is still in Glasgow rudely interrupting important and infinitely superior news coverage at inopportune moments to bring the people of Scotland embarrassing parochial trivia. " Mr Paxman then wept openly. Former Newsnight presenter Jeremy Vine Paid tribute to Gordon in a phone in on his Radio 2 show asking his listeners to phone in any newsworthy stories from around Scotland for Gordon to read out. " Try to be brief" he said. " And try and make it fuck all to do with fishing"

Unfortunately tonight's scheduled Newsnight Scotland will go on the air as usual.

Pishing Doon Festival Cancelled

2008-07-28T23:16:00.000+01:00

(Photo above from the highly succesful 2007 festival)

By Entertainment Editor Davie Donaldson

Fans all over Scotland were today attempting to get their money back after Scotland's historic 'Pishing Doon' festival was cancelled due to excessive sunshine.

Concert organiser, Omar McDonald, told us, ' It's a disaster. We can usually guarantee that it'll be pishin doon for at least three weeks solid at this time of year. That's what the fans come for and that's what we promise. Twenty years we've been going now. I'm gutted ...'

Alex Salmond Accidentally Buys £20m Conservatory for Parliament

2008-07-28T23:02:00.003+01:00

(Above left: An easily sourced picture of Alex Salmond looking like a smug cunt. Right: A drawing of a conservatory which looks absolutely nothing like the one the daft twat ordered)

Senior Ministers were black-affronted yesterday after Alex Salmond ordered a £20m conservatory extension for the back of the Scottish Parliament - after a double-glazing sales call was mistakenly put straight through to his office.

Aides immediately attempted to play down the incident commenting that Mr Salmond always prides himself on being available to his 'much-loved Scottish public' and was so swept along by the sales technique that he agreed to the £20m extension on the spot.

Sources close to the First Minister were quick to dismiss allegations that this throws doubt on his decision-making abilities and makes him look like a gullible twat.

This comes hot on the heels of last week's revelation that he recently paid a gang of drunk gypsies £200m to tarmac The Royal Mile.