Saturday, 11 January 2014


Join us at The Satire as we invite you to...

The Cock Out Challenge 2014

What hundreds of blokes getting their cocks out may look like 

Satireday (see what we did there.) 7th of June 2014 sees a brand new event in The Satire, Edinburgh and alpha fuckwit diary, as we at your favourite online news source challenge you all to quite literally "get yer cocks out", in the charming dog shit strewn locale of Inverleith Park.

Approaching 40? Wife and kids leaving you? Need some validation in your middle aged crisis looming life?

Then look no further than The Satire's own Cock Out Challenge especially designed for YOU the busy executive/ teacher/ unemployed layabout of Edinburgh and beyond.

Gone...The 15 mile assault course. Missing...the gruelling 125 obstacles including pits of tar, fire, razor wire 12 ft walls and rancid piss filled ditches.  Completely absent..... the misguided need to do anything strenuous, dangerous or heroic whatsoever.

A brief 5 meter dash( more a saunter actually) from our start line at Inverleith duck pond, you will be halted by our mildly obstructive 200 meter long, 1 meter wide row of wallpaper pasting tables, where you will be encouraged to Get your Cock out. Our team of officials will measure it, and the biggest cock will be the biggest man. That's it! And of course all in a good cause.

Just listen to what Satire Editor in Chief Tom Laird(46) has to say about why he's getting his cock out this year.....

"As usual I'm trying to endear myself to a barmaid half my age in a local pub. Even though she's probably seen more helmets than Hitler, I think I'm in love. Normally I go Mountaineering, running with the bulls in Pamplona , or living among the Masai in their pest infested bomas. Fuck that! This year I'm just getting my cock out and that's that. All the money will go to cancer of the bawbag or somethin'  so what are you waiting for?"

Another bald bloke says: "Last year I went and done the Tough guy challenge and it nearly fucking wasted me. Frankly I can't be arseholed with all that running about getting tired and wet pish. I'm getting my cock out and being done with it. It's all for cunts with Alzheimer's apparently so have a go."

Jools Holland : "Unlike the slapheads above, my boogey woogey piano playing alone would be enough to get my cock sucked at the drop of a hat. But I need some reassurance. I bought myself a Harley Davidson a couple of years back but that one's old hat. I don't really fancy traipsing about a freezing cold mud drenched bog in my shorts, so I'm just getting my cock out. It will help the darkies so join in.

So there you have it. Don't say the cock out challenge is not for you. It's for every man* who needs to feel that he can still get a shag. Fill in our entry form today and join us on the 7th of June in Inverlieth park for cock fun.

---------------------------------------------------------------    tear off and return to The Satire offices

Dear The Satire!

I am a man with incredible insecurity  issues. Please enrol me in your big alpha male fuckwit fest this year.
I enclose the sum of £30.00. Which I understand includes my enrolment fee, and a T-Shirt bearing the legend "COC 2014 - I got my cock out in Inverleith and didn't get arrested."**
I also understand that any money that may be left over will go to bongo bongo land, sick bairns, tit cancer, cripples or some fucking thing like that.

I furthermore understand that this might all go horribly wrong for me and may spend the rest of my life as an object of ridicule. Possibly having to move to some godforsaken part of the planet and live in a cave. I absolve The Satire and all it's associates of all liability.

Signed -----------------------------------------

*Disclaimer.  While we invite applications from females we must advise you that you may be at somewhat of a disadvantage at the measuring.
**Police Scotland advise that getting your cock out in Inverleith Park at any other time may result in arrest. Especially under heterosexual circumstances.


Anonymous said...

Dear Chaps,

Please enrol us both forthwith.
If only we had thought about this before, we could have saved ourselves a lot of effort and heartache and arse-ing about on contrary camels getting sand up our Japs eyes.
Not to mention one of us suffering a brain threatening head injury.

Yours Impressed

Ben Fogel & James Cracknell


Anonymous said...

Ja ja sehr gut!

Why did you not haf zis last year und maybe mein husband would not be in ein coma.


Frau Schumacher

Ein Krankenhaus

Anonymous said...


An heart attack and a double bypass op. Not to mention having to cut my own fingertips off with a Black & Decker saw.
What the hell was Stroud thinking with those back to back marathons?

This is Genius!

Count me in.

Sir Ranulph Feinnes

Anonymous said...

I could not help notice that this event has been organised When a big swinging cock like maself will be out the country. Its a desperate attempt to Ensure victory by someone less endowed.Also noted that the month of June is generally warm ensuring The said cock in question will reach its maximum length when opened up So to speak. Personally, if it was in the depths of winter then I assure you I would have been able to grasp it with both hands. Both the opportunity to take part, and my cock...obviously.

M. Skillin

Balnafettack Avenue


Ps . Please withold my name and address as I do not want to become the victim of a cockist attack.

The Satire! said...

Dear Mr. Skinner,

Thank you for your contribution. In future could you email it to our editorial team as it's somewhat of a ballsache to repost.
We at The Satire pride ourselves on our willingness to go the extra inch for our readership. That and a steadfast commitment to accuracy, sensitivity and unbiased fair comment.
We understand your consternation regarding the timing and climatic conditions of our event. But, as our late correspondent Margaret Merriweather oft times opined, "It's a cunt."
Might we suggest the appointment of a proxy. Failing that, there's always next year.

Yours disinterested

T. Laird

Editor in Chief

(Editors note : We welcome contributions from all our reader.While every care is taken to represent your views fairly, The Satire reserves the right to edit your letter into something mildly amusing, readable and nothing remotely resembling your original comments.)

Anonymous said...

Dear Sirs,

As a journalist(see dictionary)I feel I must write to you in the strongest possible terms to protest at what you laughably refer to as a "news source".
News is an honest and sincere, if albeit imperfect, attempt to report researched and confirmed fact.
Your hate sheet is nothing more than right wing bluster, xenophobia, scaremongering and cheap sniping at the most vulnerable in society dressed up as reportage. It shamelessly panders to the prejudices of the lowest common denominator for filth lucre.

I bid you good day sirs.

Paul Dacre


The Daily Mail

Anonymous said...

Count me in tovarich,

I hate poofs and I love getting my cock out.
What with all my sabre rattling and poofhating I don't really have much time to wrestle wolves, shoot bears and ride across the steppes bare chested these days.
Am I over qualified?

Vladimir Putin