Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Scotland to Break Away From UK Using Wind Turbines

Just a small amount of the proposed turbines
Oor Eck Showing the only way is UP(Literally)

In a shock announcement earlier today, The First Minister has exclusively revealed to your favourite online news source his brilliant plan to literally break Scotland away from the UK.
Shouting from a window in Bute House as he couldn't be arsed bumping into Nicola Sturgeon in the vestibule Mr. Salmond told The Satire..
" I was in the bath listening to Val Doonican's version of 'The Windmills of Your Mind' by Michel Legrand. Great stuff by the way, the production is fantastic. Anyway, It struck me that with the sheer amount of the fucking things we are building already we are, as Bon Jovi has astutely observed, half way there. If we step up the proliferation of the bird killing blight, I am convinced that within a year not only will we generate enough energy to power a small toaster( no more than 2 slice), but enough lift to rip Auld Scotia loose of it's ancient terrestrial fetters. Finally we can truly fly free. Ayyyy thenk yo!!!"
He then shouted "gardyloo!!" and emptied a bedpan left by previous incumbent Jack McConnell, all over us. 
"This is complete and utter madness!" Claimed a passing boffin who seemed to know a bit about turbines and that.
"No amount of turbines will actually create ANY lift at all. In fact it's doubtful how much electricity they will produce. Be that as it may, even if they were in fact giant propellers they will not be able to lift the whole of Scotland. If anything they'll just rip themselves out of the ground and spin about decapitating every fucker. Might I suggest fracking instead?"
"This sounds completely feasible to me." Chipped in environMENTAList and Guardian columnist George Monbiot. "However I believe that Scotland's future lies in still being attached to Great Britain. So I think the turbines should be rigged the other way so that it pushes us closer together."
Scottish Conservative leader and Wee Jimmy Cranky impersonator Ruth Davidson commented..
"I agree with George Monbiot that the UK should not be broken up. But think about the cost of this. For the price we could get a high speed train that runs from Glasgow to Edinburgh 20 minutes faster."
A homeless guy sitting nearby, gave his opinion stating..
" I don't really know much about turbines or the environment and stuff. But maybe we should all calm the fuck down and have a we bit more reasoned debate. Fuck knows! I can't stop shitting in my pants so what do I know?"

1 comment:

Charlie Mingles said...

I salute mr salmons for his creative solutioning. Although I think my own personal idea for renewable energy ( sheds of busty teenage girls on static bicycles, pumping mightily away and linked to a webcam and the national grid) is still hard to beat.


Silvio Berlusconi (AKA Big Pappy)