Catholic nun turned respected academic theologian and best-selling author Karen Armstrong has today spoken excusively to The Satire about her drug-cheating shame.
In a frank and candid no holds barred interview Armstrong revealed how sorry she felt about the whole affair.
Armstrong was caught cheating as part of a routine drugs test following her ninth consequentive victory in the annual 'Tour de Force' championship; where popular academic theologians battle it out over 21 gruelling days to write an entire book on an obscure aspect of Catholic doctrine - whilst simultaneously peddling an exercise bike.
"To be honest, I've never really understood what the exercise bike has to do with the whole thing. But them's the rules. Thankfully being an ex-nun, it goes without saying that I have very powerful thighs. So that part has always been a dawdle for me."
"And luckily, my 700-page articulation of the contrived parallels between the primary tenets of The Second Vatican Council and an obscure numinous aspect of Sufi theology was a winner with the judges!"
"That said, yes of course I feel thoroughly ashamed of myself. But they're all at it. My drug of choice was a cocktail of communion wine, incense, horse tranquilisers with just a dash of crystal meths."
"If only I hadn't got caught, I could still be living it up in my big fuck-off Hollywood mansion riding that slice of sexy Texas tottie Sheryl Crowe ragged. I certainly showed HER the meaning of the word 'Transubstantiation'."
"Seriously, I literally had to explain the concept to her - seven times. Dumb bitch. But what a pair of freakin' knockers on it, eh? A mighty, mighty fine, ah-say-ah-say, a migh-tee migh-tee f-aaaaine piece of ass! Yes siree!, hot diggedy diggedy dawg! Praise the Lord! "