New Social Network "Shitter" Launched

(Above: The Ideal Shitter set up as favoured by Stephen Fry)

Geeks, pedants and trainspotters worldwide are cock-a-hoop today as a brand new pointless social networking site is launched.

Sitting Happily In The Toilet Existentially Remonstrating or Shitter to it's fans, went online at 06:00 GMT accompanied by a mass band of Tubas playing ELP's Fanfare for the Common Man. In honour of the auspicious occasion. The singer and song writer Kate Melua released a special Edition of her hit single,This is the Closest Thing to Crazy, on which she farts out the tune by placing one hand in her armpit, flapping her opposite elbow frantically. No mean feat to achieve, let alone describe without footage.

First to sign up was well known polymath,wit and huffy twat Stephen Fry. " Oh I know all the Jeremiah's and Luddites out there will be throwing up there hands in despair saying 'oh whats the bloody point', but I for one can tell them it's tremendous fun and highly informative. Certainly not as nasty and vindictive as Twitter."

Stephen as a wit and Shitter, or Shitwit as they are known. Hopes to Shite at least twenty times a day. A typical example could look like this:

07:45 GMT . Morning Shitters. Just logging on and out...haha...regular as clockwork me...NNnnngggg..Ahhhhh...bit solid this morning...to much....Nnggggggg roughage I fear..I notice Gordon Brown...NNNnnnnnnn...CCCHhhrist!!! ...Oh bother there's somebody at the door.

08:01 GMT . Back again...Bloody postman..here we go...maybe this time...Aaaaaarrrgghhh NNNNNggg...Jesus the unholy stench.....I really must purchase some laxative...at my age it's ... UUUUUUUUUgghhhhh..God help me.... feels like a bowling ball....I see Westminster Abbey has a new....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHh.....At last...sweet relief....Fuck..forgot to buy bog roll...have to do the penguin walk to the kitchen now. Back soon.

Following Stephen's endorsement other celebrities are queuing up to keep the world appraised of their bowel movements, interspersed with plops of rapier sharp social comment.

I know this reporter has signed up to Lily Allen's. Hopefully there's a webcam.

Meerkat Does Something.

(Left: Our artist's impression of the alleged occurrence)

(Right: Meerkat in more familiar looking around nervously mode)

A Glasgow man "couldnae fuckin believe it" , when he went away from his television set for a minute to have a pish and something allegedly happened.

Frankie Douglas(31) an electrician from Partick had been half way through his umpteenth boring episode of The BBC's Meerkat Diaries when he decided it was fairly safe to go for slash.

" I was half way through my umpteenth boring episode when I thought 'Fuck this bollocks I'm gonnae have a pish'. I just lobbed oot ma boaby an started to pee when my girlfriend Mags started shouting an bawling an doin her nut. 'Hurry up! Wan ae yon rats is daen somethin.' Of course I thought she was kidding me on. But she swears blind that wan ae thae we bastards done somethin unusual the minute ma back was turned. Fuckin typical. Hour after bastard hour of watching the we cunts daein nine tenths of shag all, an the split second a look away somethin supposedly happened. Thank fuck I don't pay ma licence fee."

Sir Richard Attenborough(103) speaking exclusively to The Satire said, " I know fuck all about Meerkats, sorry luvvy, I think you should Speak to my brother."

Sir David Attenborough(101) speaking exclusively to The Satire said, " Holy Jesus! Meerkats! Don't talk to me about Meerkats. I've got the bastards coming out my arse. If you think watching them is a cunt. Try filming the twats. I'd wipe them out. Thank fuck I don't pay my licence fee."

The Satire is offering a free years subscription to anyone with any evidence of Meerkats doing anything other than running about furtively , eating an insect, or looking around the place.

Modern Police Force - Raymond Mearns Des Clarke

Obama Wins X Factor Bombshell!

Every cunt and his dog, including The US President, and Bo were completely bamboozled to discover that the leader of the free world was this years X Factor Winner.

"I'm completely Obamaboozled by this", said the White House's 44th incumbent before an equally flummoxed press corps. "For the life of me I can't even remember taking part. Nevertheless I accept the award on behalf of myself and the American people and pledge to continue winning prizes for competitions that I have not entered. God Bless Amnesia."

Asked how the fuck this could have happened by the rest of the X Factor's over confident egotistical twats, creator and host Simon Cowell explained." We realise that Mr. Obama can't sing, dance or stick a weird object up his cock, and fully appreciate the actuality he didn't get to the final or even enter or take part in any way. But the fact remains he is just the kind of guy who would win it if he had any talent or was in any way inclined towards doing any of those things. He has all the right ingredients. He is dynamic, black, confident, black, a Democrat, black and of course to top it all off he's black. Anyway have you seen his stand up comedy? It's better than Lenny Henry any day."

A spokesman for the republican party Rep. Dwight D.Donaldson III, hit out. " This is horse shit. He never even auditioned for the damn show for criminy's sakes. How could he possibly have the balls to stand up there and take the credit. Next thing you know they'll award him the Nobel Peace prize for sending 40'000 extra troops to Afghanistan."

Mr. Obama was unavailable for further comment as he was accepting the Nobel prize for Chutzpah.

Edinburgh Man Opens Chain of Cheap Turban Shops In Punjab

(Above Left: How some American fuckwits might look. Right: The Ubiquitous Hardeep Singh Kohli Lectures on the evils of cheap turbans)

From Our Fashion Correspondent: Chandar Moghuls

A Leith Man and his entire family have enraged locals in India by opening a chain of cheap and nasty turban shops all over the fucking place.

Sir Tom MacFermer(51) who made his fortune selling Magic Trees and furry dice at extortionate prices decided to make the move after spotting a golden opportunity in the former Jewel in the Crown of the British Empire. 

" I flew over there in my private Boeing 747 for a conference of 2,000 other Billionaires on Climate Change. While I stayed at the Hilton Hotel I couldn't help noticing that a lot , if not most of  the local men outside were wearing funny rags on there head. A bit like what you see in Pollockshields, and Birmingham and that. Someone told me they were called Turbans. I couldn't believe that these guys had all just come out of the shower at the same instant. Then I was told that they wear them all the time, just like that annoying cunt who's never off the telly.I had to laugh. Then I realised a golden business opportunity to make a few bob selling them."

Sir Tom opened his first Shop in the center of the Punjab capital Chandigarh In  February 2006.  Six months later he opened another one two doors down, within the next year he had six just round the corner and by the end of 2008 had 157 within a quarter mile radius of each other. The shops are characterised by their poor quality products, the intensely loud cheesy bhangra music that blasts out from huge crackly speakers at the front and their stereotypically dressed staff. Prompting complaints from concerned locals and traditional retailers alike.

" One of the things that really gets my goats is a particularly idiotic piece of Punjabi Kitsch known as the 'See you Rani turban.' Moaned Ram Patel. The 91 year old owner of a traditional outfitters based in Chandigarh for 300 years. " The bloody thing even has a false chin strap like beard attached to it. The tourists think it's hilarious,especially American fuckwits, and all go around doing Peter Sellers impressions. They sell like fuck so I had to get in on it as well. Though that bastard MacFermer buys them in bulk from China so can sell cheaper. My Turbans are all made traditionally by local 9 year olds. It's a cunt. He's ruining it for everyone."

But Sir Tom blasted back." Look these guys have been ripping people off for years and filling their pockets. I have brought hilarious tasteless tacky buffoonery within the reach of the ordinary punter. What's wrong wi' that? I think they should get a sense of humour. Peter Sellers was a very funny man who made Sikhs a sidesplitting figure of fun the world over. Get over it."

Support for the locals has come from Sir Tom's home country however. The latest to throw his turban into the fray is none other than Hardeep Singh Kohli(37). A man who knows a thing or two about exploiting  a cultural icon. Speaking unexclusively to The Satire he pontificated. " I was brought up in the mean streets of  Glasgow where my parents scraped enough money to buy several properties, and send me and my brother to the tough St. Aloysius(150). Where boys were forced to participate in Polo, Lacrosse and debating societies. Later they sent me to Cambridge where I experienced racism when people kept asking me if I wanted curry when they invited me to dinner parties. I'm from Glasgow. So OK, I don't like tatties and mince and I do like curry, but that's hardly the point. What was the question?"

Mr Kohli then baffled everyone by being omnipresent and knowing very little about turbans.

       

Scottish Teens Biggest Bullshitters In Europe

         ( The Youth of Today: Just look at the bloody state of them. Tsk! Bullshitters!) 

Scottish teenagers are the biggest bullshitters in Europe according to the results of a new study by UNICEF.

The two hundred page document released yesterday also claims that Scots teens are third in the world league tables of bullshitters behind Americans at No.1 and Nigerians in the No.2 slot. The damning report also claims that children are getting into bullshit as young as 9 years old. 

Among the many things that Scottish teens mainly talk shite about are:

• Regularly having sex(mainly boys). 
• Getting completely rat arsed on 10 cans of super lager(boys)/Breezers(girls).
• Being involved in Gang fights/Drug wars.
• Doing Hunners of Drugs by the way.
• Claiming to be the hardest cunt at school(boys again).
• Going to get their room tidied up.

A sad, typical and unfortunately common example of this alarming trend in teenage behaviour, is one Robert 'Psychoasbo' Henry(14) of Uddingston Grammar School Lanarkshire. Self confessed drug dealer and hard case Robert gave his harrowing story last week. Wearing what looked like women's tights on his head underneath a giant Elmer Fudd sized cap, and lots of bling. He swaggered awkwardly up and down the classroom in front of a group of assembled journalists, grabbing his crotch and swearing a lot with an unconvincing machismo, and gave his shocking account of teenage life in Scotland. 

John Littlerichard of the Daily Mail seethed with anger as the young thug related how he ran a massive heroin empire from his bedroom by the time he was 11 years old. At 12 he got into prostitution "pimping out" his "hoes" for £10 a shot to 5th year boys, and incredibly, girls. By 13 he had"razored the fuck out of twenty men" and gunned down another three in cold blood for "dissing" him. But the seeds of the young psychopath's tragic existence had been sown in his broken childhood.

Polly Playnwasp of The Guardian broke down in tears, as the boy told of his alcoholic father who beat him with a toaster every day since he was 3 months old. Sometimes the cruel monster would force him to lick his shoes clean, as he repeatedly jammed his head in a Corby trouser press while his drug addled mother laughed and threw rotten fruit. Eventually his father sold him to Arab slave traders and the boy only escaped by offering sexual favours, then running away when their trousers were down round their ankles.

The reporters were less impressed later on when the boy's perfectly respectable parents arrived in their Range Rover to take him to violin practise.

First Minister Alex Salmond welcomed the report however. "This plainly shows once again that under an SNP led Independent Scotland, We as a nation could once again hold our heads high. Leading the world. Even if it is only in blethering a load of pish."

The Bullshit continues.

Actor Everyone Thought Was Dead Apologises

 (Sir David John White OBE: Very, very sorry  and bad at  joke telling. You Plonker!!)

An Actor that everyone was convinced had popped his clogs years ago has publicly apologised for telling a joke.

The 69 year old thesp, Sir David John White OBE, aka David Jason, aka Danger Mouse was best known previously for the so called funniest moment in British comedy. The Infamous Del Boy falls over at the bar scene. A scene so hilarious that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was rushed to King Edward VII Hospital with a suspected ruptured farting string after seeing it.

Now the joke seems to be on the ageing star after he told a bad joke to a bloke called Christian O'Connell who apparently has a Radio Show. Quoth Sir David. "What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant....? Mahatma Coat." The joke was immediately pulled from the broadcast but then placed on the podcast, presumably as it would become less bad if they done that. Millions of people from all over the world, none of whom were Pakistani as they were busy avoiding death by terrorism, then rang in to complain. 

Speaking from his Castle in Nuremberg Del Boy gave the following apology: "I am deeply, deeply embarrassed and ashamed. Of course now I realise that the the guy in the joke was supposed to be Indian not Pakastani, I offer my sincere apologies to Pakistanis, Indians and fans of Christmas cracker type jokes alike. It completely ruined the punchline and I regret that. Whaaat a Plonker!" At that he solemnly turned and fell over at the bar.

Former comedian and fat racist,  Bernard Manning was the first to condemn the Joke from beyond the grave. Speaking  through camp scouse fuck wit medium Derek Acorah, he told The Satire ." While I was alive and doing comedy at the Embassy Club I told fookin' loads of gags about Pakistanis. Now I'm up in heaven I realise I was wrong. Seventeen of the cunts live next door to me up here and they are fantastic. David Jason? What a fookin ham. Any cunt knows it's supposed to be an Indian bloke in that gag. Making him Pakistani is not funny, and out of date, hahahahaha...." he tailed off.

King of nostalgic comedy, and star of Countdown's Dictionary Corner, Richard Digance said. " I think that's a horrible joke. Here's one. What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant? A very nice man and a damn good bloke who works bloody hard."

Up and down the streets of Britain people spoke out in condemnation. "Am absolutely shocked so am ur!" Gasped regular Satire rent-a-quote Maureen McGlinchie of Parkhead. "I thought he was pan bread years ago."

Recently unemployed Frankie Douglas from Partick fumed at the outrage. " When I saw that Del Boy sketch the first time I pissed myself so much my bladder exploded out my cock like driver's airbag. The Wife was laughing so long and loud I had to punch her into a coma to get her to stop. Now that I know he is a vile racist, I will no longer be sitting for hours in bars in Spanish tourist traps, watching endless repeats of the show."

Ophelia Cuntington-Smythe(36) speaking from her cottage in the Cotswolds nowhere near any black or Asian people commented. "I think immigrants get a hard enough time without this. I have a Philippino maid, an Albanian gardener and a lovely Polish lad who comes to clean my pipes. All three of them work for peanuts. It's Divine. I think more immigrants should come here, as I have loads of dog shit from my poodles I need cleaned up. Come one, come all I say. Especially as they can't afford to live round here."

Christian O'Connell was available for comment all day, but we couldn't be arsed talking to him.